What Dumbledore Knew
by snapeslittleblackbuttons
Summary: He had no idea why Lily had summoned him, only that he had no choice but to come. When it came to Lily, he never had had much choice. Severus Snape/Lily Evans. SS/LE, brief JP/OC. Romance/Drama/Tragedy-canon compliant with few exceptions (you already know how it's going to end). First fanfic. I am in the middle of major revisions which will expand the story. Thank you for reading.
1. Chapter 1 Summons

**Summary** : As Death Eater Severus Snape ascends the front steps clutching an owl post, his only thought was: _what news could Lily Potter have that is so important that she would risk her life to send for me? And will I have to tell her my secret?_

 **Rating** : M for adult themes, sexual content, and language

 **Parings** : Snape/Lily, brief James/OC

 **Genre** : Romance/Drama/Tragedy

 **Timeframe** : 1977-1982 (mainly First Wizarding War) plus epilogue

 **Author's Note** : This is Severus and Lily's story. Canon compliant with few exceptions. Warnings: Fluffy in spots; scenes of a sexual nature; James is not a particularly nice guy.

My first ever fanfic (or fiction for that matter). Please review if you feel led. I appreciate being able to share my story with you!

 **Disclaimer** : All things Harry Potter are the express property of J. K. Rowling (including "Life isn't fair."). I adore these characters, but I don't own them.

* * *

 **Chapter One: Summons**

Wednesday, October 31, 1979 10:52 pm

Severus Snape Apparated down the street from where he was expected, appearing in the dark backyard of a new home on a nameless suburban cul-de-sac with a muffled CRACK. He suppressed a shiver and narrowed his eyes to inspect the lonely street in the dim light. Caution bred into him during his Death Eater training, now second nature, compelled him to raise his wand; after a moment, that same training assured him that the street was secure enough to lower it. He turned towards his destination, his long, authoritative strides hungrily chewing up the sidewalk.

The neighbourhood was everything that Spinner's End was not: homes dressed in cheery yellow paint with white trim, complete with tidy, currently-empty flower boxes, matching white picket fences, and lace curtains peeking through spotless glass. _Lovely. Just…lovely._

Sickened, he hid his sneer and steeled his resolve. He had no idea why Lily had summoned him, only that he had no choice but to come. When it came to Lily, he never had had much choice. Reason pleaded with him to decline, but he had been powerless to fight a simple desire to see her. Sure, he could be walking headlong into a trap, but if he could lose himself in her emerald eyes once more before death or Azkaban, it would make the choice that he made worthwhile.

 _Severus,_

 _I need to see you. Would you stop by my house tomorrow night, if you can? I've written my address below._

 _Lily_

He ascended the few wooden stairs to a cozy front porch clutching her owl post as if it were the ticket that assured him entry, and then knocked. This is absurd. _What am I, a Muggle?_

Lily answered the door immediately. "Severus," she said, by way of greeting, opening the door for him to step inside.

And there she was, dressed in a simple white shirt and denims. Snape stared at a point past her shoulder. "Lily," he echoed.

"Thank you for coming. Please, come in and sit down," Lily offered.

He glanced at her. It had been years since he had laid his eyes on her. Snape was taken by her beauty anew, but it was her ashen skin, her thin, drawn mouth, and the dark circles under her lovely eyes that gave him pause. It seemed as though sadness itself had enveloped her and settled in her features permanently. Lily appeared fragile and broken in a way Snape had never witnessed before, not even when Daniel Evans had died.

"I prefer to stand," Snape responded, a little more stiffly than he had intended. Lily folded herself into a soft armchair across from a ghastly flowered couch.

"I need to talk to you," she said, glancing at him furtively. She turned her face away, gazing out of the window at the back of the room which opened to the backyard beyond, and said nothing more. A solitary, rebellious tear ran down her face, unbidden.

He waited.

 _Torture. Her plan is to torture me to death._ If nothing else, the silence was going to kill him, surely.

Still looking away, she finally said, "I walked in on James shagging Mary Macdonald. Here. It was here, in this room," adding the unnecessary detail.

Dumbfounded, Snape growled out a furious, "Filthy swine!" under his breath, and bit back the other words that threatened to explode from him. _That son of a bitch._ Oh the wounds, the gloriously painful wounds he would inflict on that prick when the opportunity arose. He may have failed to protect her, but he would not fail in this.

He dropped into the offending sofa opposite her, his eyes dark and wild, rage tearing at his features, as he struggled for control. "Why tell _me_?"

Lily absently fiddled a slight indentation on the third finger of her left hand where a gold band resided until very recently. Still staring out the back window, she replied in the hollow tone of someone with no more tears left to shed. "I filed for divorce. It wasn't the first time for him, nor even the second. But that's not why I asked you to come."

Again, silence. And again, Snape waited.

She looked back at him, her green eyes flint. "I wanted….I _needed_ …to say that I'm sorry. You were right about James. You were always right. And…I'm sorry."

Snape was unsure how to respond—he was not even certain what Lily was apologizing for. This was not her doing. Unable to remain still, he rose and approached the window Lily had been staring out of, clasping his hands behind his back. The Potter's backyard was mostly in shadow. The waning moon had begun to rise, casting a soft glow on the few remaining leaves on the trees towards the far fence.

"Is there anythin' I can do? Anythin'?"

The words that flew from his lips sounded desperate, and had been spoken before he had time to consider what he was offering. _Wait_. For a split second, Snape thought Lily might have invited him here to ask him to kill James Potter. Nothing would please Snape more. He suppressed the thought. _No. Even as broken as she appears to be, Lily would never be desperate enough to ask that._

A slight smile touched her lips, as it always did when his accent slipped out.

"There _is_ one thing, Sev." Pause. "Forgive me."

The words came as a command rather than a request and seemed to Snape as shocking as the rest. At the sound of his nickname, Snape turned to regard Lily over his shoulder as she met his eyes. He crossed the space between them in a single stride and in the same moment, she stood.

All hesitation gone, he wrapped his arms around her as she buried her head into his chest, his embrace supporting her frail frame. "Oh, Lily..." At the sound of his deep, gentle voice, he felt her descend into heart wrenching dry sobs, her resolve to stay as stoic as Snape utterly gone.


	2. Chapter 2 Hope is Its Own Kind of Poison

**Chapter Two "Hope Is Its Own Kind of Slow Poison"**

Thursday, November 1, 1979 3:12am

Back at Spinner's End, Snape paced the floor.

His mind raced. Sleep was unwelcome—he would much rather replay the scene with Lily anyway: the scent of her hair; the tears that had etched ugly red tracks down her face; the desperate way she had looked at him, as if his forgiveness would be able to fix all that was wrong. But even though he yearned to hear her sweet voice every day of his life, Snape was wise enough not to let himself place any hope in her words. Hope was its own kind of slow poison.

" _Sev, I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry…I should have never married James. I was so stupid…so stupid. You were right about him, Sev. You were always right. I was so stupid. I lost you…."_ She had sobbed into his chest uncontrollably, for so long Snape wondered if she'd ever stop. Not that he was in a hurry for her to do so.

Now, Snape knew only one thing: he had to see her again. The Dark Lord be damned.

They had parted awkwardly, neither knowing exactly what to say. He had decided on, "I'll send an owl."

Lily had nodded slightly but didn't verbally reply, as if she didn't trust herself to speak, but instead allowed a faint smile touch her lips. Then he was gone.

Thursday, 7:42 am

Lily awoke with her eyes still puffy from the last night's tears; her first thought was, _my God, it was so good to see Severus._ Until she had let his arms hold her, Lily hadn't truly understood how his touch made her feel whole.

Lily had had no desire to repeat the details of James' deception anew—that was not the reason she reached out to Snape. She suspected everyone knew James' habits anyway; Lily was the one that had intentionally turned a blind eye. Besides, she had repeated her story so many times to Alice that if she rehashed it again, she would go mental.

Yes, Alice had indeed been a great source of comfort as Lily grieved her collapsed, irreparable marriage. But even though Alice was a good friend, Alice had never been quite…enough. Lily sensed that the only person that just might be enough—enough to truly comfort her, that was—was a man she hadn't spoken to in years, a man who had chosen a very different path, a man who quite likely despised her for the choices she had made, including the very marriage she was grieving.

That person was Severus Snape.

Lily had mulled over the decision to contact Snape for the better part of a week. She had reasoned, _I don't care what anyone says about him, Sev would never hurt me…he's not like the other Death Eaters. He's not dangerous. Even if he is, I'm a Gryffindor, damn it. Brave._ _And I owe it to him to set things right. I need to make amends, if nothing else._

Snape had not harmed her, of course; quite the opposite—he was the source of comfort her soul had craved all along. And last night as she felt his arms encircling her and his fingertips brushing away the tears she shed over one of his most bitter enemies, a thought reawakened in her—one she had buried years ago.

 _Will he want to see me again?_

 _Patience_ , she told herself. She would wait and let him send an owl when he was ready.

His owl arrived that afternoon. It simply said: _tomorrow night—_ ablatant assumption Lily would agree to see him again. _How very Severus,_ she thought, and let a smile touch her eyes for the first time in months.


	3. Chapter 3 Confessions of a Death Eater

**Chapter Three "The Confessions of Death Eater"**

Friday, November 2, 1979 10:58 pm

By the next evening, however, instead of sitting in calm anticipation for Snape's arrival, Lily's nerves were frayed and she was edgy and upset.

Snape truly couldn't say what made him send the owl to arrange a second visit with Lily. His mind told him that he hadn't had the opportunity to speak his peace; it had been Lily's chance to ask for reconciliation. Now he needed _his_ chance—that was all. But his heart said otherwise.

 _I'm going to have to tell her,_ he thought grimly as he ascended the wooden steps to the front porch and knocked.

"Lily," he said in way of greeting again.

"Severus."

"Is he here?"

Lily gave a small, cheerless laugh. "No. I threw him out a week ago. He's not welcome any longer."

Snape relaxed a little. He had no fear of Potter, but had no desire to be the trigger for a row. "We need to talk," he said quietly and strode into the sitting room, black robes billowing in his wake, clearly expecting her to follow. "I have something—"

But instead of allowing Snape to continue, Lily cut across him, unable to hold back the question that burned in her throat any longer. "Why'd you do it, Sev? Why'd you take the Mark?" Lily asked in a ragged tone to his back as he retreated into the other room.

Snape halted abruptly, but did not turn around. This was not how he imagined the discussion would go. "I had nothing to lose," he said carefully.

"You had everything to lose. You lost me." Lily said, her voice trembling.

"I had already lost you. _You_ turned away from _me_ , Lily, if you remember," he replied stiffly, still with his back to her.

"I turned away from you _because_ you took the Mark," Lily replied accusingly.

Snape spun on his heel to retaliate, his black eyes locking onto hers, his robes rippling around him. "You rejected me long before that, Lily."

Suddenly, there was no doubt that a Death Eater was standing in her sitting room—and he was terrifying. Her former best friend had become one hell of an intimidating man.

She backed down immediately. "Yes, I suppose you're right." Lily had to admit the truth about their fight fifth year, of course.

At her words, Snape's anger subsided slightly. "You never loved me, Lily, not in the way that I wanted….I needed." Snape paused; although these words had never been spoken between them, they were no surprise. He continued dispassionately, "I am unsure why we are discussing this. There is nothing to be gained." She glanced up at him as he made to leave. Seeing the anguish in her eyes, he added gently, "It's too late…too late for us." Even as he spoke these words, a small part of him didn't want them to be true. He turned and put his hand on the doorknob to go.

At his words, Lily was furious. Reckless, she bit out, "It's too late for us, Sev? Really? Too late for what? For us to be friends? Too late for something more? I can tell you still care for me. I never stopped caring for you. _It wouldn't be too late for us if you hadn't become a Death Eater!"_

Her anger infected Snape. He whipped around, white faced with wrath. Glaring, he stepped within inches of her, his black eyes filled with rage. Then he bellowed the confession he knew one day would ultimately cost him his life: "I AM NO DEATH EATER, LILY! I AM ONLY PRETENDING TO BE ONE! I TOOK MARK DELIBERATELY TO SPY FOR DUMBLEDORE SO WE CAN WIN THIS BLOODLY WAR AND TO DO MY BEST TO PROTECT YOU WHETHER YOU REALIZED IT OR NOT!"

"What…?" she breathed.

"How little you truly know me. What do think me capable of, Lily?" he whispered as he looked at her squarely in the eye, and, instead of walking out the door, Disapparated with a deafening CRACK in front of her without giving her a chance to reply.

Lily crumpled to the floor and let the tears come.


	4. Chapter 4 Dumbledore's Proposal

**Chapter Four "Dumbledore's Proposal"**

Flashback: Hogwarts Seventh Year, 1977

It could never be said that Headmaster Albus Dumbledore did not take note of each and every tiny detail at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Quite the contrary, in fact. And today, what the Headmaster noticed caused him to be a little more concerned than usual about a certain student by the name of Severus Snape.

One did not need to be as observant as Dumbledore to notice that the moment Severus Snape and Lily Evans entered Hogwarts, the best friends doted on each other. Even though sorted into different houses, the two were never apart for long. But as they progressed into their final years at Hogwarts, Dumbledore spotted Lily spending more time with a student in her own house, specifically the Potter boy.

James Potter was a nasty piece of work, arrogant and devoid of Snape's natural magical talent. Potter was jealous not only of Snape's abilities, but of his close relationship with the pretty redhead from Gryffindor. And jealousy, Dumbledore knew, can be the perfect motivator for malice.

Potter and his gang spared no opportunity to tease or hex Snape, who tended to be reserved and unwilling to defend himself. Potter pursued Lily relentlessly, and as the teen years wore on, Lily's desire to be part of the most popular crowd outweighed her loyalty to her childhood friend.

Eventually Potter's pursuit paid off: after a spat between the best friends, Lily abandoned Snape and could be found, on any given Hogsmeade weekend, on the arm of her fellow Gryffindor. Dumbledore, who remembered how inseparable Lily and Snape had once been, chalked it up to a passing teenage fancy.

Now, meandering through the courtyard outside the Great Hall, Dumbledore noticed Snape seated alone on the marble steps near the Great Hall, attempting to read. But instead of his attention on his school work, Snape's eyes were fixed on the couple that strolled across the courtyard hand in hand. Snape's face displayed a complex mixture of disgust, fury, and misery.

To this day, Dumbledore could not have said what had made him try Legilimency on the boy. It was really none of his business what Snape was thinking—and it was written on his face anyway. _But what if Severus Snape is as good at Occlumency as he seems to be at everything else he tries?_ Almost automatically, Dumbledore reached out to his student with the Legilimency spell. Snape blocked the spell effortlessly, as if he were swatting away a mildly annoying fly, without taking his eyes away from the couple receding from view. Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise and he retreated to his office to ponder this new bit of information on who was turning out to be his most interesting student.

 ** _Two Months Later_**

"Mr. Snape, the Headmaster would like to see you in his office," announced Professor McGonagall, poking her pointed nose into Snape's Defense Against the Dark Arts class. _Great. This is just what I need_ , thought Snape sarcastically as he gathered his belongings.

When Snape arrived at Dumbledore's office, the headmaster was situated behind his enormous desk with his hands folded. He peered over his half-moon spectacles as Snape entered. "Mr. Snape, welcome." He gestured for Snape to sit, but his student remained standing. "As you can imagine, as Headmaster of Hogwarts, I enjoy a few privileges. One of them, I am happy to say, is advance notice of the best N.E.W.T. results. You have done remarkably well. In fact, you have been awarded N.E.W.T.s in all of your subjects. That is quite an achievement, Mr. Snape. Let me offer you my personal congratulations."

"Thank you, sir." Snape shifted on his feet, feeling slightly more at ease now that he understood the reason he had been summoned to the headmaster's office, but still wary. _Certainly not every student receiving all N.E.W.T.s is pulled out of class to be personally congratulated by Dumbledore?_

"What, pray tell, have you settled on for a career, Mr. Snape?" inquired Dumbledore.

"I do not know yet, Headmaster."

Dumbledore stood, walked around to the front of his desk, then stopped and leaned back on it. "With your results, you could have your pick of careers. Let me ask you, has anyone approached you with a proposal, Mr. Snape?"

Again, Snape shifted his weight uncomfortably. _Does Dumbledore know I've been approached by Lucius? Just because I'm a Sytherin does not necessarily mean I'll be invited to join the Death Eaters, right? I mean, I'm only a half-blood, for heaven's sake._

Dumbledore paused for a moment when his student didn't immediately reply and peered at the young man intently. "I do not doubt that you have many opportunities before you. But there is only one that may help keep her safe in the midst of the coming war."

For the smallest second, Snape was unsure what Dumbledore had actually said. _Keep_ her _safe? Surely he couldn't have meant Lily?_ "Her?" he repeated dumbly.

Snape's eyes locked on Dumbledore's and the headmaster held Snape's gaze steadily. Suddenly, Snape felt a pressure in his mind—a probing that he remembered experiencing once before. He easily shielded himself from the intrusion. The look on Dumbledore's face confirmed to Snape that the source was indeed the man standing in front of him.

"Yes, yes. A great talent for Occlumency," the elder wizard said partially under his breath, as he turned to go back behind his massive desk and sit.

Dumbledore considered the young man before him. "Mr. Snape. There is another way. I might be able to offer you a…position…that would not only help Miss Evans, but grant you great power. You would, at same time, not be...burdened…with directly interacting with James Potter or Sirius Black," Dumbledore said carefully. "I must warn you, however, you will never be able to disclose your…position to anyone. You will be ostracized by all on the side of light and you will be required to lie daily. You will put your life at extreme risk. The drawback, I'm afraid, is that Miss Evans will never know of your choice, therefore you can never receive her gratitude. While she may never be able to thank you openly, you may be the one person who turns the tide of this war and saves not only her life, but the lives of many."

After a slight pause, Dumbledore continued, "In fact, Mr. Snape, if you agree to my proposal, it is likely Miss Evans will openly despise you."

"It would be no worse than her indifference," he responded, inadvertently confirming how much her loss affected him. Then Snape stood for a moment in silence. "You are asking me to spy on Voldemort for the Order," he said finally.

"Yes, I am. Specifically, I am asking you to volunteer to take the Mark and become part of Voldemort's inner circle in order to supply the Order with information on his plans. This is not something I would ask of you unless I believed you possessed a great natural talent for magic as well as a brave and noble character. Furthermore, I will personally train you in the art of Occlumency to keep your true intentions hidden from Voldemort and his Death Eaters as an effort to keep you out of harm's way."

"I will think on it, sir."

"Let me know of your decision by the end of the week, Mr. Snape."

"Yes, sir," Snape responded and turned to leave the headmaster's office.


	5. Chapter 5 The Decency to Sound Abashed

**Chapter Five "The Decency to Sound Abashed"**

Flashback: March 1979

Lily gazed at herself in the full length mirror at the bridal shop. The winter white dress was simple and elegant. It fit Lily well, and its soft hue complimented her red hair and fair skin. She should have been beaming, but she wasn't.

"Oh, Lil, it's perfect," Alice Longbottom said in awe.

"Well, it's the best one so far," added Mary Macdonald, whose tone conveyed her boredom with the entire affair of shopping for wedding dresses.

"Yes, I suppose it is," replied Lily with a small sigh, turning around and looking at the back of the dress in the ornate mirror over her shoulder.

"You _suppose_? Good grief, Lily!" said Mary, exasperated. "Look, I'm going to step out for a minute. I'll be right back," said Mary, rolling her eyes in Alice's direction and ducking out between the heavy red velvet curtains.

Alice studied her friend in the full length mirror. "Lil, dearest, can I ask you…is anything wrong?"

Lily wasn't sure what to say. Yes, there _was_ something wrong. But how could she confide in her happily married best friend that her fiancé was out almost nightly with Sirius, getting pissed and staggering home no earlier than 2 a.m.? It was too embarrassing to share. Lily suspected other…imprudent things were happening as well. _Well_ , reasoned Lily, _perhaps James is just enjoying a last bit of fun before committing to me for the rest of his life. James would never condone that behavior after we're properly married. It's nothing to burden Alice with. And besides,_ Lily thought stubbornly, _the wedding is in three months, and I'm not about to back out now._ _It's what everyone in a relationship is doing since the world started to fall apart. Carpe diem and all that._

"I'm sure it's just nerves, Alice," Lily responded as a way of explanation, hoping it was enough to quell Alice's curiosity. Nerves weren't something she expected Alice to understand anyway—Alice had never expressed a single flutter of reservation before her wedding to Frank this past December. But unlike Frank, James seemed much more interested in the chase than the prize.

But what kind of husband would that make James, Lily did not know.

* * *

Lily and James got on wonderfully for the first month after the wedding; for those precious four weeks, Lily had been convinced she had made the right decision in marrying James, and that his days of careening home knackered were over. Then, as if he read her mind and it reminded him of something he'd been forgetting, his dreadful behavior resumed, and she was miserable once more.

The first time Lily found hard evidence of James' indiscretions—the first time there was no way for him to refute it, anyway—was three months after their wedding. The evidence came in the form of a receipt, found lying innocuously on the floor in their sitting room, having fallen unnoticed from James' pocket. Their row was epic; James' anger, volcanic. He accused her of all manner of things, including being the sole reason he needed to find solace in other women's arms.

Apparently, all of James' poor decisions were Lily's fault.

" _It's not really my fault, Lily. Any man would have done what I did. You were so cold to me that night. You shouldn't have been so cold."_

" _It was just one tiny mistake."_

" _You're making a big deal out of nothing."_

" _Lily, really honey, there's no reason to be angry anymore."_

" _It's unreasonable for you to still be angry. You're the one with a problem, Lily."_

" _Your anger is ruining our relationship. You're being foolish, Lily, by holding a grudge. You need to get past this."_

Badgered to the point of faltering in her resolve to stay angry, Lily caved. Ultimately, James had convinced her to forgive him and chalk it up to a single bad decision on his part. She forced herself to move forward, telling herself, _it'll be okay. James promised he'll never let that happen again._

Lily couldn't have been more wrong.

* * *

Saturday, October 27, 1979 4:38pm

Lily arrived home earlier than expected that bright Saturday, planning to surprise James with take away and wine. _Some fun just between ourselves_ , Lily thought, _to get us back on track. A chance to reconnect. I'll entice him to stay home with me tonight._

The scene she interrupted was one Lily wished she could Obliviate forever. Well, one part of her did. The other part knew she needed to preserve it in the forefront of her memory in case she ever was tempted to lose her resolve.

 _Lily unlocked the front door, balancing the parcels in her left hand while pushing the door in with her left shoulder. She managed to get to the kitchen counter without upending any, which was a miracle. She smiled at her small victory. But then she heard muffled noises coming from the sitting room. Not sure what to think, Lily pulled out her wand. She crept around the corner just in time to see a very naked James untangling himself from a very naked Mary Macdonald on the sofa. James looked directly at Lily, and shrugged; Mary, whose back was to Lily, had the decency not to turn around._

 _A sharp intake of breath was the only noise Lily managed to make, as she turned and ran out the front door with her hand over her mouth. She didn't know if she was going to scream or vomit, and it was certainly possible she might do both. To think she had let him touch her two nights ago…she blanched at the memory._

 _As Lily reached the porch she realized she had nowhere to go, so she sank down onto the steps. After several minutes, Mary came out the door and walked by her without looking down, back, or saying a word. Lily just hung her head, too upset to even cry._

By the time Lily went back in the house, she was numb, but not because of the cold.

"James," she called, her voice holding steady for the moment.

"I'm in here," came the reply from the downstairs bath. He didn't even have the decency to sound abashed.

"I need you to leave."

"Leave?" he repeated, not comprehending.

"Leave. And don't come back."

"Lily…" Pause. "OK. Let's talk about this. Surely you don't mean-"

"No, James. I'm done. It's over. You need to go. _Now_."

* * *

Monday, October 29, 1979

Lily lost count of the number owls James sent asking to see her. She also knew it was only a matter of time before her soon-to-be ex-husband sent an emissary to plead his case.

Sirius appeared on the wooden front porch, dressed in charcoal grey jacket, the collar of a deep red dress shirt peeking out from underneath, his handsome features tense. Lily could tell he had donned his best and this alone reflected Sirius' perceived gravity of the situation. She opened the front door preemptively.

"Hey, Lils."

"Hey."

She opened the door wide for Sirius to enter. "Tea?"

"Sure."

They entered the sunny, warm kitchen, and Lily turned away from Sirius as she prepared the teapot. "James sent you," she stated simply. She placed the teapot on the burner and turned to sit at the kitchen table with her old housemate.

"Yeah." Sirius nodded and looked her in the eye. "Since you won't see him. He's distraught, Lils. I've never seen him this upset. Wishes he could take it all back." Sirius pulled out a wooden chair and sank into it.

"Look, I appreciate you coming, Padfoot, I do," she reached out across the table and took his hand as if to soften the blow of her words, "but you know I can't take him back. I won't. You know he does this all the time. And it's one thing when you guys go out, but here, in our own home, with someone who was supposed to be our friend…my friend? It's too much. I can't live with it any longer."

"He's beside himself with guilt," Sirius pleaded. "You don't know Prongs."

She laughed bitterly. "Don't I?"

"Lils, he loves you, you know."

"He has a funny way of showing it," she said acerbically.

"Lils—"

"Look, I know he does," she cut across him, sighed, and then continued a bit more calmly. "But Sirius, it's over. I'm done. There's nothing he can do, and nothing he can say that can change that."

* * *

Lily had ample time for reflection in the wake of Sirius' visit; the owls stopped pouring in and James seemed content to leave her alone, for a time anyway. As for Lily's heart, it was at peace with her decision to end her marriage; it had been a long time in coming. James had broken their wedding bond too many times to count, too often to repair. The following day, she made her way, dry eyed and alone, to the Ministry of Magic to file the paperwork required for the official divorce. It was done.

Perhaps she was in denial. Perhaps she was too numb to feel. Perhaps it would hurt at some point later, but right now, it hadn't hurt even one tiny bit.

There was an ache inside her, though. It wasn't the sting of admitting defeat and signing the divorce papers; it was a deep seeded, yet familiar ache that Lily had not experienced in years, now rising to the surface of her fragile emotional state, begging to be acknowledged. It remained the one ache Lily could never fully suppress, even during her brief days of happiness with James—the one ache that had a name: _Severus_.

If there had been any way she could have run directly to Severus when she ran from James and Mary in her sitting room, Lily would have. But she had destroyed any hope of running to him by refusing to forgive him for a single word he had uttered years ago. She knew she had to tread lightly when it came to Severus. She also knew it was high time to apologize.

Lily rummaged through her desk to find a quill to see if her old friend would agree to come visit her tomorrow night.


	6. Chapter 6 Because I Once Loved You

**Chapter Six "Because I Once Loved You"**

Five Days Later

Saturday, November 3, 1979

Contrary to the peace she felt signing the divorce paperwork earlier in the week, Lily was not at all comfortable about how things had ended with Severus. The shock of Snape's sudden disappearance and final words to her the night before continued to give her pause. _Sev is just_ pretending _to be a Death Eater?_ _How does one just "pretend" to be a Death Eater in front of the most powerful dark wizard alive? Taking the Dark Mark is no small thing. And Sev did it to protect_ me _?_

Seeing Severus after so long, as well as finally being free of James, allowed her to reexamine memories of Hogwarts, without her usual, self-imposed edits that depicted only the best in James, and the worst in Severus.

Their typical banter at the beginning of their fifth year had always made her smile:

" _You should have been in Gryffindor," Lily said, nudging Severus with her shoulder in the hall before lunch. "I miss you."_

" _Ravenclaw, actually," was Snape's cheeky response. "I'm brilliant—as you well know—so Ravenclaw, I think." He'd been close enough for her to smell him, close enough for him to kiss her, and for a brief moment, Lily thought he might. She looked up at his tall, lanky frame and found, to her surprise, she wanted him to. My God, he smelled…delicious._

" _Not to mention humble," Lily countered softly, inching even closer, parting her lips expectantly._

" _I'm the best humble there is." Snape smiled, but didn't take the bait. "Actually, I think you were the one that was sorted incorrectly, Lily. Your eyes are a perfect Slytherin green," he smirked, his own dark eyes sparkling, teasing her back. Lily turned and walked away in mock offense, swinging her long red hair around to her back; Snape watched her retreat and laughed openly at her failed attempt to act indignant._

Lily had known then, as surely as she had known anything in her life: he wanted her. Whether Severus would ever do anything about it was an entirely different matter. And waiting on him was beginning to wear on her nerves.

 _Maybe I should just ask Severus out, despite his nasty friends, since he doesn't have the courage to ask me. Maybe he's just toying with me. Maybe he wants someone else. Maybe he's not asking because of his housemates. What if I tell him it's them or me? If I give Sev an ultimatum, would he choose me over those Death Eater Slytherin mates of his?_ Truth be told, some part of her was afraid to put him to that particular test.

But by the middle of their fifth year, things were starting to change between Lily and her own housemates:

" _Lily, I can't even believe you still talk to that greasy creep." The three friends were seated in cozy overstuffed chairs in the Gryffindor common room near the fire, and Mary was at it again._

 _Lily sighed. "Mary, give it a rest, will you? I've told you. You don't know him. Severus and I had been friends for years before we even started Hogwarts."_

" _You fancy that repulsive weirdo!" Mary accused._

" _Really, Mary! And don't say that about Severus."_

" _Don't you remember what Mulciber did to me? Your ugly, loser friend is one of his best mates. You're muggle-born, too, Lily, so don't think your safe," Mary argued. Lily glared at her._

 _Alice chose to speak up at that point. "Lil, Mary has a point. Those Slytherins are dangerous." Alice hesitated. "Lil, people are talking. They're concerned about you. You need to decide where your loyalties lie." Mary smirked, knowing Alice was advancing her case for her._

 _Lily responded, trying to reason with her friend. "Gryffindors are supposed to be brave, Alice. Severus is my friend, even if he is a Slytherin. If I stop being friends with Severus, what would that say about my courage when I'm faced with risk?"_

 _Alice responded gently, "Lil, your_ house _is supposed to be your_ family _. The longer you remain friends with that guy, the more the people in your own house loose trust in you."_

Leave it to Alice to speak the stinging truth. Alice and Mary were both right, Lily knew; as a muggle-born, she could easily be the target of one of Mulciber's vile pranks. Mulciber's very presence in their shared classes made her feel uneasy to the point of panic.

If she disowned her fellow Gryffindors by stubbornly continuing her friendship with Severus, Lily would be casting her lot in the dangerous waters of Sytherin House, where no one—save her best friend—wanted anything to do with muggle-borns.

Lily knew if Severus ever bothered to ask her out, his housemates would make things difficult for him, to say the least. Then if their relationship failed and they parted ways—she blanched at the thought—she would have no one left: no Severus…no Gryffindors…no one. Lily knew she wasn't strong enough to survive Hogwarts alone.

But she hadn't been strong enough to stay away from Severus either:

 _Lily leaned against the stone wall in the hall outside the Potions classroom, her slender arms clutching her Arithmancy book to her chest. Severus was standing across the hall near the classroom door, immersed a pack of Slytherins. As if he could sense her eyes on his back, he turned and looked over his shoulder and met her hopeful eyes. His face flushed slightly as she smiled brightly at him. He turned back to his housemates, excused himself, and strode over to her._

" _Smiling at the most gorgeous guy at Hogwarts again? You're going to earn yourself a nasty reputation, Gryffindor."_

 _She laughed delightedly. "Study with me later, Sev. We've got that Defense essay due on Tuesday. We could meet in the library and work on it together."_

" _I think you're just using me. But whether it's for my dashing good looks or immense intellect, I can't decide."_

" _Well, that must mean your immense intellect is not as immense as you think it is."_

 _He paused for effect. "I'm not going near that one."_

 _Lily blushed and they both laughed. Severus leaned in and whispered in her ear suggestively. She could feel his breath tickling her cheek. "I'll see you later, Lily." As he strode away, she thought she might die of…want. For the love of God, what do I have to do to get him to kiss me?_

But by later that year, the extreme frustration with her best friend's unwillingness to act manifested itself in anger at Severus for just being…Severus. _If Sev is such a genius, why can't he figure out how to pull himself together? How on earth can he get so immersed in his studies that sometimes he forgets to eat and bathe? Why can't he figure out how to have a normal conversation with anyone but me?_

 _And why the bloody hell won't he ask me out?_

While for years she had clung to her friendship with Severus in the hopes it would blossom into something deeper, now she grew tired of the pressure from her friends, tired of waiting on Severus to make a move, and tired of Death Eater wanna-bes making things more complicated. The truth was Lily had felt hurt—rejected even—by his failure to act.

Then there was the fight.

Their fight fifth year had never been the reason, it had been the excuse. The excuse to not deal with any of it any longer. The excuse to run.

Which is why she purposely never accepted Severus's apology.

And then there was James.

" _EVANS!" Potter booming voice echoed across the crowded hall, ensuring everyone could hear him. He swaggered in her direction. "Go out with me Saturday!"_

 _Lily didn't even turn from her conversation with Alice. The arse, with his typical arrogant antics, didn't even have the decency to use her first name or form his invitation as a question. "Bugger off, Potter," she said in a loud, bored voice._

 _At this, Sirius doubled over, his handsome face exploding in uncontrollable laughter. Lupin, disheveled as ever, glanced back at Lily and shrugged his shoulders, as if apologizing for his mate's obnoxious behavior. Potter, however, remained unembarrassed._

James. Even with all of his faults, James had been the safe choice, the easy choice. James was classically handsome, ridiculously popular, and athletically gifted—and he wasn't afraid to express his desire for her; in essence, he was everything Severus was not.

Once Lily had given in and they started dating, the Marauders, his closest friends and Gryffindors like herself, had welcomed Lily into the fold as one of their own, making her feel comfortable and wanted. Blinded by her desire to be popular at last, to be fully accepted as a muggle-born, and to be openly adored by someone like James Potter, it had been so… _easy_.

While the deepest part of her still ached for her former best friend, the darkest part of her reveled in hurting Severus by dating James. It was payback, she was ashamed to admit, for Severus stringing her along for years, for him never making the first move they both desired so badly they could taste it.

Lily recognized she was James' trophy girlfriend. Then James had made it so _easy_ for her to become his trophy wife.

It had been nice that something was easy for once.

And now here she was. Alone. Divorced. Pining after someone who had once adored her, but now very likely despised her.

To make sure she was crystal clear on her feelings, Lily forced herself to picture Severus with another woman. Married. Happy. Without her. Kissing that other nameless, faceless woman, making love to her…the fierce possessiveness that reared its ugly head inside her was something she had never felt when she walked in on James and Mary. It made her want to do more than sick up; it made her want to kill. _He's mine,_ she thought dangerously _. Severus has always been mine, he is mine, and he will always be…mine._

 _My God, is that how Sev felt every time he saw me with James?_

She had been so selfish. So impatient. So stupid. So incredibly stupid. Her attempt at a life without Severus had been an unmitigated disaster: the man with the true moral compass was not the man she had married.

Lily looked deep in her heart, past Snape's inaction, past his Death Eater cohorts, past his occasional unkempt appearance, past his social awkwardness, past their fight fifth year, and past…James. _Was I truly in love with Sev when we were at Hogwarts? Or was it just a passing teenage crush?_ The truth, although somewhat difficult to admit, was not that hard to see. Last night's gift to Lily was the newfound ability for her to articulate something she had been unable to until now: her best friend's arms felt like _home_.

 _How could I have let a man like that go? How can I now?_

If there was one thing Lily knew for certain—besides how she felt about Severus—was that she had to see Dumbledore.


	7. Chapter 7 What Kind of a Man

**Chapter Seven "What Kind of A Man"**

Monday, November 5th 7:58 pm

Two nights later, Lily managed to sit through another Order of the Phoenix meeting, barely paying attention to the current information on the war and the latest intelligence shared by Dumbledore. She had scarcely slept since Snape had vanished Friday night, images of Hogwarts swirling around her head, with the memory of Snape's last whispered words echoing around her, making her cringe: _How little you truly know me. What do you think me capable of, Lily?_

As the meeting adjourned, Lily rose from her chair and waited, arms crossed and leaning on the cold stone wall behind her, until Dumbledore was free. She had arrived late deliberately and stationed herself as far as possible from James during the meeting, and this made her feel angry, lonely, and vulnerable. Lily hadn't seen James since the incident in their sitting room and she had no desire to speak to him now.

As she rose, James, flanked by Sirius and Remus, stood and glanced in Lily's direction. Lily turned away; James, torment and regret written clearly on his face, left with the other Marauders. As soon as all the other Order members departed, Lily walked up to the silver bearded wizard and, looking around, quietly asked, "May I speak to you alone, Headmaster?"

"By all means, Mrs. Potter. Or do you now prefer Ms. Evans?" replied Dumbledore. _News travels fast,_ she thought.

Ignoring Dumbledore's question, Lily said, "Sir, it is come to my attention that there is a spy within the ranks of the Death Eaters. Someone spying for the Order, perhaps."

"Well, that is an intriguing statement, Ms. Evans. Who might this individual be?"

"I believe it is Severus Snape, sir."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "Let me understand. You believe _Severus Snape_ is spying on the Death Eaters for the Order? What makes you think this, Ms. Evans?"

Lily could think of nothing to say.

"Let me ask you a question, Ms. Evans. What kind of a man do you think Severus Snape is?"

Lily winced inwardly and let the question hang in the air. "I'm not sure, sir," she said quietly, realizing Dumbledore would not confirm or deny her suspicions.

"Interesting," she heard Dumbledore say in means of reply.

Only when Lily reached the door to leave did she realize that if Severus was indeed Dumbledore's spy, her inquiry had, at the very least, confirmed to the headmaster that Severus' cover was blown; it also quite likely put Severus in serious danger. And now, without a doubt, she needed to see Severus at least once more and settle this for good.


	8. Chapter 8 There's No Going Back

**Chapter Eight "There's No Going Back"**

Wednesday, November 7th 9:37 p.m.

Several nights later, Lily Apparated directly to Spinner's End. Although it had been years since she had roamed the sidewalks of the cramped neighborhood, not much had changed; the homes were as dingy and dilapidated as they had been when Lily was a child. Trash blew on some of the unkempt sidewalks; many of the streetlights were out. Snape would not be expecting her, and she had done that on purpose. If Snape was going to turn her away, he would need to do it to her face, not via owl.

Lily had not heard otherwise, so she assumed Snape still held his father's home, although she was aware that both Tobias and Eileen were gone. Lily figured, therefore, any light emanating from the ancient windows would mean that Severus himself was inside. Sure enough, she could see a dim yellow light coming from the sitting room in the house at the end of the street. She only needed to confirm Snape was alone. Feeling the fool, Lily tentatively peeked in a window to see if she could locate the person that she had adored beyond measure as a girl.

He was there, sitting in a faded chair inside in the shabby room. Snape was, apparently, desperate to engage himself in an enormous, dusty, leather-bound spell book. A low lamp barely illuminated his attempt. As she watched from the on the other side of the glass, Snape closed his eyes, not in rest, but in misery. The fingers of his left hand reached into his black hair and he bent forward, placing his elbow on his knee as the book closed of its own accord.

* * *

As Snape leaned forward and the book closed, he could not keep his thoughts from revisiting the last few days yet again. Lily's stunned reaction to his confession had, surprisingly, wounded him. Although Snape couldn't blame Lily for believing the worst—he executed his Death Eater role exceptionally well—it had still hurt. But now that Lily had a chance to digest the truth about his façade, he wondered exactly what, if anything, she would do with that knowledge.

Then there was the news she had shared with him...never would he have imagined that James Potter would be stupid enough to cheat on Lily. He didn't give a rat's ass where that bastard stuck his wanker…unless it made Lily cry. Then he cared. Very much.

He was somewhat to blame, he knew. His failure to act precipitated all of this; his feigned indifference to her not-so-subtle advances had pushed her into the arms of someone else. And she had stayed there, with the wrong man, until Potter made the ultimate fool of her. Snape couldn't fathom why had Lily needed to prove she was attractive and desirable by being on display on someone's arm. But the truth was she had needed the validation of someone who would do just that. _I could have been that person. I should have been that person. All those years at Hogwarts, all those long, lazy summers at home…why had I never kissed her?_ _Why had I never asked her out?_

 _What made me such a coward? Was I more afraid she'd say no…or yes?_ God, if he had only tried…perhaps three lives would be significantly different right now.

He'd been through all this before. Rehashing it again didn't help, and certainly didn't change what had happened—or not happened—between them.

Snape allowed himself to recall some of his cherished memories of Lily from their days as Hogwarts students:

" _Hey, Gryffindor."_

 _Lily turned around, her school uniform skirt twirling, green eyes bright with her greeting. "Hey yourself."_

 _Snape leaned against the wall, folded his arms, and looked down at her intently. "What are we doing later?"_

" _Dunno. Whatcha wanna do?" It was obvious Lily loved his assumption they would spend the evening with each other._

" _I don't have anything due tomorrow, and the weather's pleasant. How about a walk around the lake?" Snape responded, his light words at odds with the intensity of his stare. He looked like he might eat her alive._

" _Sure. Meet you at 7, then?" Lily replied, beaming up at him._

" _7," Snape confirmed._

" _Can't wait."_

And, finally, there was the fact that Snape was deeply embarrassed by a half-arsed confession of his feelings the other night: _You never loved me, Lily, not in the way that I wanted….I needed…_ Good God, his words sounded like he blamed _her_ for not returning his affections, when he himself had never bothered to express his feelings for her.

 _Why didn't I tell her I fell in love with her the very first time I laid eyes on her, and each and every time I've seen her since, I fall more in love with her?_ _I had a chance to say it the other night and I_ still _didn't. I am fearless enough to lie daily to The Dark Lord, yet to this day, I still can't speak the words that would tell Lily exactly how much I adore her. Pathetic._

Technically, those words to Lily had been a lie. He knew she loved him. Always had. He simply…knew.

Snape's dark eyes closed as he sat in the leather chair in the sitting room, and he berated himself yet again. _A kiss…a date…it would have been such a small step for us. What the hell is wrong with me?_ God, he had always felt so unworthy of Lily—so he had never acted.

But that did not mean he didn't get very, very close to crossing the line:

" _Sev!"_

 _Snape turned to see Lily running down the half empty hall to catch up with him, her long red hair cascading in waves behind her._

" _Hey," she said, nearly breathless as she slowed to approach him. She smiled. "I've been looking all over for you."_

" _I try to hide between classes. All the Gryffindor girls throw themselves at me every time I leave my common room. It gets a little old after a while."_

 _She giggled. "Only interested in Sytherins then, Sev? Seems that you're narrowing the playing field unnecessarily. It certainly isn't very scientific of you, not sampling from all the sources available." Lily countered flirtatiously. They stopped and faced each other, inches apart._

 _He reached down and tenderly swept her hair away from her ear with his long fingers. He leaned in and whispered suggestively, his warm lips brushing her skin, flushed from more than her run. "You should know by now that I rely more on…instinct…than science." Lily closed her eyes and suppressed a shiver. "Why were you looking for me?" he whispered softly._

" _I don't remember, Sev," she responded, just as softly, her eyes still closed._

" _Good heavens!" shrieked Professor McGonagall, striding down the hall at top speed to interrupt the couple. "Miss Evans! Mr. Snape! Time to attend your next class, if you please!" and they stepped away from each other, Lily red faced._

He had been _that close_ more times than he could count, and still he had never actually kissed her.

Then everything came crashing down fifth year with a single word. And just like that, she was gone.

Losing her hurt more than he could bear to remember.

Then Potter stepped in.

Initially, Snape never believed Lily was serious about her relationship with Potter. How could she be, with the way she had acted whenever Snape had been close to her…with the way she had followed Snape everywhere…with the way they had spent every second together? Snape thought she would come to her senses, forgive him for what he had said, and dump that arrogant, opportunistic git. Anyone could see Potter was using her. He vowed to himself that if she ever gave him a chance in the future, he would never be a coward again.

But by the end of seventh year, he knew, by God, that she was not coming back. Ever.

And now here she was. Risking her life by sending for him.

How shortsighted he'd been, agreeing to spy for Dumbledore. Sure, when he volunteered to be branded with the Mark, he had believed Lily would never be in his life. Hell, she wasn't even speaking to him then. Devoting himself to defeating the Dark Lord, he reasoned, would help keep her safe. She never needed to know. Yes, Snape had loved her that much then and yes, he still did.

 _Now that she's no longer with Potter, I'm going to tell her how I feel. What do I care if Lily rejects me at this point in my life? I can take anything she might say now. Nothing could feel worse than the day she married that swine._

 _Will she forgive me for the things I've said, I've done?_ _Can I trust her? Is there a chance-?_ A knock interrupted Snape's reverie.

* * *

Outside in the chilly air, Lily debated whether it was wise to disturb her old friend, but she mustered up the courage to climb the stairs to the porch anyway, then, after a second's hesitation, to knock.

A moment later, Snape appeared at the door. "Lily." It was a statement only, barely concealing his suspicion at her presence on his doorstep as well as his lingering hurt from their last encounter.

Lily took in Snape's appearance. Standing before her was not the same man who came to her door several nights ago. This Snape looked disheveled and distraught. It appeared sleep had evaded him for days. A single dusty tome dangled from his hand and his normally impeccable black robes were wrinkled. Many of his buttons were undone; to Lily's surprise, his partially open shirt hinted at a honed physique hidden just out of her view, underneath the expanse of white cotton and soft black wool. Her stomach did a little flip. _My God, he looks so strong._ She had no business picturing the things that suddenly leapt into her mind. _Shit, don't let me go there._ Lily pulled her eyes away and cleared her throat.

"May I come in?"

"It's late."

"Please."

"Very well." He stood aside to let her in.

"I came to apologize."

"You may do so at any time you wish."

"Severus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…imply…that I didn't believe you. I was just shocked, that's all. No excuses, though. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" Lily whispered the last.

Snape turned away. He was in no mood to confess his feelings for Lily this night, yet he had no patience for anything less. He decided to address her words first. Dropping the book on a nearby table, he said in a hollow voice, "Why do you want my forgiveness, Lily? What does it matter if I forgive you? We are no longer friends, surely. You needed me the other day, and I was there for you. But it seems that was all you needed of me. Now you can live your life, and I can continue to live mine."

Lily stood silent for a moment. _Severus, you're going to hear what I have to say before you dismiss me, damn you._ "That's one thing you're wrong about, Sev. I need much more than that from you." He turned to face her, curious yet wary. Lily reached for his hand, like she used to when they were children, and although he flinched when she touched him, Snape did not pull away.

Lily's words tumbled out of her; she hoped Severus would hear the veracity in her words as she laid her heart bare. "I realized when you left Friday night that I need you in my life. I have missed you so. It was my fault, Sev, never accepting your apology after our fight." He looked at her as she took a deep breath. "I've tried living my life without you and I can't. Nothing is right without you, Sev. I only feel…complete when I'm with you. I've made so many, many mistakes….the biggest one was letting you go."

Snape made no reply. Lily let go of his hand, collected her thoughts with another breath, and slowly walked toward a sitting room window. She gazed out, her features outlined in the silvery moonlight falling through the glass. She knew she had been dancing around the heart of the matter. Lily turned to look at him, still unsure how her next words would be received. _Time for courage._ He watched her, an unreadable expression in his dark eyes.

"I love you, Severus Tobias Snape. I always have. I always will. If you won't have me, I understand, because I've hurt you so badly over these last years. But I am here now, and I can promise if you will have me, I will be yours, always."

Snape's knees buckled forcing him to steady himself on the back of the nearest chair so as not to fall. A distant part of his brain tried to convince himself that he had fallen asleep reading in the sitting room. _This is a most pleasant dream,_ he thought wistfully. Then he pulled himself back to reality and willed himself to speak.

"Lily, _please_ ," he said in a voice just barely audible. "Don't. You're killing me."

Lily watched him but didn't reply. The vulnerability in her eyes spoke more than she had been able to say.

All resolve inside Snape shattered as he met her eyes across the tiny room. The longing he had endured for years suddenly consumed him. He crossed to her before thinking, his arms working of their own volition; his left reached to the nape of her neck, grabbed a handful of her thick hair, and drew her into a deep kiss. His other arm reached around her and pulled her small frame into his. Lily yielded herself immediately, as if it were the most natural thing she had ever done, and she found the echo of a desire, resurrected a few short days ago, had now blossomed into something that resonated in every fiber of her being.

After a time Snape broke off by pulling half a step away, and he gazed down at her, trying to gauge her response, his dark hair falling forward as his hand caressed the outline of her face. To his shock, Lily was as breathless as he, and her eyes were imploring him to continue.

"There is no going back, Lily," he whispered.

"I know."

This time his kiss was much more tender; his exquisitely curved lips, perfectly balanced between soft and strong, found hers, so eager for more of her. Then, without a word, Snape took her hand in his and gently led her up the stairs, to his bed, and sat her down. He crossed to close the bedroom door and paused, hand on the doorknob, half way through closing the heavy door. With his face half in shadow, Snape stared at her and said, roughly, "You are mine. You have always been mine, and you will be mine…always," and then, of all things, he smiled at her.


	9. Chapter 9 Many Different Choices

**Chapter Nine "Many Different Choices"**

"Sev, what you must think of me," Lily timidly after a tender hour, "a week ago we had not spoken in years. Now I'm here," indicating his bed.

She felt the rumble of a soft chuckle deep in his chest. "I have adored you since we were nine, my love. Think no more on it," Snape responded and kissed her softly.

After another impassioned hour they fell asleep in each other's arms. Snape awoke to find Lily staring at him in the darkness. She smiled and traced the edge of his face with her fingertips. He closed his eyes briefly and a small sigh escaped his lips.

But as Snape opened his dark eyes, they glittered dangerously. He reached up, his fingertips brushing her cheek and the bare skin of her neck and chest, lightly making their way down the length of her lean body, his gentle touch at odds with the intensity of his stare. She shivered.

He murmured in his deep velvet voice, "Do you fear me, Lily?"

She shivered once again. "I…no…yes..."

"Smart girl." Snape continued, smiling wickedly. "You needn't, my brave Gryffindor." He leaned in to whisper, the rich timbre caressing her ear. "I am going to take you so deeply and completely that you will have no doubt that you are mine forevermore," he growled in a soft silky voice as if daring her to protest. "Then so slowly and tenderly, you will beg me to be…more aggressive." Lily shuddered with a mixture of fear and anticipation but found she could not reply with anything but the hunger in her eyes.

* * *

Some hours later, the two lay side by side once again, exhausted but content, amongst rumpled sheets and disarrayed pillows. "Sev?" Lily softly whispered in the darkness. "That was….you are…" Lily, blushing, fought for words. "How many…?" She couldn't force herself speak the rest of the question aloud. "Not that it—"

Snape had the good grace to look uncomfortable and pointedly did not look at her face. Instead he concentrated on his fingers as they twirled a lock of her deep red hair. "Too many to count. Too many to remember," he added with the smallest hint of sadness. "A Death Eater perk, if you will." He looked into her eyes. "Not a single one meant anythin' to me. If I had known I would ever have you in my arms…" he let the last hang in the air for a moment without finishing his thought, then finally added, "many, many different choices would have been made."


	10. Chapter 10 A Morning Such as This

**Chapter Ten "A Morning Such As This"**

Thursday, November 8, 1979

Soft dappled sunlight shone through the threadbare curtains in the upstairs bedroom at Spinner's End in the minutes just after dawn. Snape had awoken early but willed himself not to stir. Lily slept soundly beside him on her side, while Snape lined the back of her body with his own, his arm wrapped around her protectively. Her fiery, long red hair spilled over the pillow and onto his had never imagined he would wake to a morning such as this. _She's so incredibly beautiful. She's always been so incredibly beautiful._ He breathed in the smell of her, drinking it in deeply. _And my God, she's here. And mine. Finally, mine._

Lily stirred and sighed in the soft light. She turned to look at him and smiled. "Good morning," she said softly, and reached out with her fingers to graze the outline of his strong jaw and touch his long dark hair.

Snape nuzzled her neck. "Good morning, my love."

"I will always love you, Severus," whispered Lily, in reply.

Snape's velvety voice caught for an instant, then spoke the words he wished he had said to her so long ago: "And I will love you, always, Lily. Always," and they lay in companionable silence for what, to them, seemed like years.

* * *

Early afternoon once again found them curled up side by side in his bed in each other's arms. Suddenly, on Snape's dresser, a marble-sized clear glass ball burned deep red. "What's that, Sev?"

Snape frowned. He sat up on the edge of the bed, slumped forward with his elbows on his thighs, and placed his head in his hands, his dark hair falling forward. "Dumbledore is coming for a visit tonight."

"Dumbledore visits you here?"

"Yes, rarely. Only if there is something urgent, and he never stays long. Lily, you should go before he arrives."

"Sev, he already suspects." Snape eyed her over his right shoulder and she paled under his dark stare. "I…I spoke to Dumbledore after an Order meeting a few days ago and asked about you. I..I wanted to ask him if—"

"Did you discuss me with anyone else?" Snape cut across her sharply.

"No. I didn't speak to anyone else. I'm sorry, Sev. It didn't occur to me until after my conversation with Dumbledore that my questions would compromise your position. He never really answered me, anyway."

"Could anyone have overheard you?" he pressed.

"No, I don't think so. Everyone had already left."

"We need to be careful, Lily, very careful. The Dark Lord would consider my betrayal to be extremely…disruptive to his plans, and it would make him very, very, angry. It is fortuitous that you chose to approach Dumbledore and no one else."

"So why would we be in more danger now?"

"Because if they knew about us, they would use you to control me. To coerce me. If they capture you, they will torture you into giving them information about the Order—meeting location, names of members—"

"But all of that has always been true, Sev."

"Perhaps. But the Dark Lord would have just have been inferring I had feelings for you. Now he will know. And he will know you feel the same way. Since you are part of the Order, my association with you would be suspicious, making my position much more vulner-"

"Can I ask you something, Sev? Why do you call him The Dark Lord?"

"So I do not slip when I am in his presence. I need to ensure I keep up the pretense wherever I am." Snape's expression softened. "My love, I am not going to let anything happen to you, or to me. But you must trust my judgment when it comes to the Dark Lord. You are more than welcome to stay tonight—and it might be easier in the long run if he already suspects—just let me handle Dumbledore."

* * *

Dumbledore appeared in the sitting room fireplace in a flash of green flame precisely as the room's antique clock struck 7 p.m.

Snape instinctively grabbed Lily's hand and stepped forward between her and Dumbledore, leaving her slightly behind his taller frame as if shielding her from the silver haired wizard that had just arrived.

"Severus. Ms. Evans. What a pleasant surprise," said Dumbledore politely, inclining his head toward Lily. Lily, who suspected her presence was neither a surprise, nor a particularly pleasant occurrence for Dumbledore, did not trust herself to respond.

"Do what do we owe this pleasure, sir?" asked Snape stiffly.

"It seems the news I bring is rather dated, I'm afraid," Dumbledore responded, glancing at Lily. "I came to warn you that your position might have been…compromised." Again, another glance at Lily. "Ms. Evans, may I inquire –"

"The reason for Lily's presence in my home is none of your business, Dumbledore. She is no longer some student that must submit to your questioning."

"Ah, but Severus, that is not what I was going to ask. I was simply curious as to why Ms. Evans, as a member of the Order, believes it is safe to be in the presence of a known Death Eater," Dumbledore replied calmly.

Lily found her voice. "Sir, you know as well as I that I am in no danger here."

Dumbledore was silent for a moment. He made a show of looking at Snape's long fingers intertwined with Lily's, and sighed.

"Severus. Lily. I need not inform you that this must be handled delicately. Our entire oper-"

"We are aware, Dumbledore," Snape cut in.

Dumbledore paused. "We will discuss this further at a later time. For now, I bid you goodnight." With that, Dumbledore inclined his head, grabbed a handful of Floo powder, hoisted up his silver grey robes, stepped into the fireplace, and disappeared in another flash of green flame, the brief meeting over.


	11. Chapter 11 The Foreseeable Future

**Chapter Eleven "The Foreseeable Future"**

The few years apart had changed Snape in more ways than Lily had originally grasped. The boy she remembered, who seemed hesitant and perhaps insecure at times, had vanished completely. In his place was a man who was not afraid to ask for what he wanted, and seemed quite accustomed to getting it.

"Stay with me tonight, Lily," Snape breathed into her neck. Lily closed her eyes and tilted her face upward, encouraging him to continue. "I'm not going anywhere," she whispered. Lily opened her eyes a fraction and brushed his gorgeously curved lips with her thumb, and he shuddered. In one swift move, he pulled her down on the sofa and positioned himself above her, then locked his left hand around both her tiny wrists and pinned her arms up over her head. "You're right. You're not going _anywhere_."

* * *

Later that evening, both lay quiet and content, comfortable in his bed, surrounded by the darkness of a new moon. Lily had laid her head on Snape's chest, as was now her habit. Snape smoothed her hair with one hand and wrapped his other strong arm around her. There was one last thing he wanted to tell her. It seemed a small thing now, but he needed to speak it so it would no longer remain unsaid between them.

"Lily, there's something I would like to say to you," he began softly, his voice as velvety as the darkness enveloping them. "I'm sorry I never asked you out when we were in school."

"Oh." His words surprised her. After a moment, Lily asked, genuinely curious, "Why didn't you, Sev? It seemed like you wanted to. Before our fight, that is."

"I was afraid you'd refuse," he responded quietly. Snape's words hung in the air.

"I wanted you to, for years, you know," Lily assured him, "I thought maybe your housemates were giving you a hard time." Then she looked up at him through the darkness, her heart giddy, and allowed herself a smile. "It doesn't matter now, does it, Sev? We're together and in the end, that's the only thing that matters."

* * *

By the end of the week, however, being-together-in-the-end wasn't the only thing that mattered to Lily; the only thing that did matter to Lily was, well, getting sweaty with Severus. As often as possible.

She had officially lost her fucking mind. To things more sordid than she cared to discuss in mixed company.

The ache in her heart for Severus had descended, landing due south of her navel; it fixed itself there, burning within her continually, making her distracted, uncomfortable, and…indecently _wet_. The thing was, Lily couldn't call it an _ache_ anymore, though. It was a _want_. And that fiery, lewd _want_ left her down right irritable if not attended to, damn it.

She wanted him All. The. Flipping. Time.

Sure, for years she had desired to know Severus in that deeply intimate way only sex can grant. But the reality was that their new physical relationship blew her mind in more ways than Lily could have ever imagined. Clichés be damned, they fit together—perfectly.

Lily had not expected this. She thought perhaps the former best friends would be tentative at first—awkward even—with each other. She thought _she_ would be the experienced one. She'd had no idea Severus would be an accomplished lover, adept at balancing both their needs with an ease that stunned her. Severus was fully in command of their efforts, yet the things he chose to do with her, and to her, were _exactly_ what she fantasized. It was as if he could read her mind.

Not that she was into comparisons, but James had been abysmal in bed. And she was being generous.

Sex with Severus invaded Lily's every thought, corrupted every second of every day. Lily had no patience or time for anything else. Images constantly played in her mind…his fingers in her mouth, as she drew her lips around them, one at a time; Lily returning the favor by biting the palm of his hands, the inside of his wrists; his deft hands wreaking havoc with her rational thought; the smell of him, the feel of his teeth teasing her…the look in his black eyes as he took her…God, his gasps as she first touched him. She could almost feel her body climax just _remembering_ the deep timbre of his moans.

Mental. She had gone completely, bloody mental.

She couldn't work, she couldn't think, she couldn't eat. The only thing Lily could manage to do was imagine Severus…his strong arms, his gorgeous, muscular body with her own wrapped around it. She wanted to trace every inch of his skin with her fingertips, memorize it, taste it, possess it. And if she went without him for more than a few hours, that _want_ was damn near unbearable.

Damn the man.

Good God, Severus was turning her into one insane woman focused on one single, albeit delicious, thing. Insane…and happy.

* * *

Much to Lily's delight, Snape was able to perform most of his work for the Dark Lord at Spinner's End. He had been tasked to concoct potions as cures or tools to advance Voldemort's plans. Although he was an exceptionally gifted wizard, since Snape was a half-blood, his rank within the Death Eaters was relatively low, and consequently, he had never been required to participate in combat directly.

This arrangement allowed the two to spend every possible moment together. They became inseparable, as if they were trying to make up for the lost time of the last several years. Except for Lily's time at the Ministry, and Order of the Phoenix or Death Eater meetings, they rarely left each other's sight, or, rather, his bed.

"Lily, if we are going to spend all our time together, we need a place of our own…something more secure than Spinner's End. Perhaps a home that has no…memories associated with it," Snape said during breakfast a few days later, his mouth twisting as he said the last words as if he had eaten something unpleasant.

"I agree," she replied, understanding his reference. "I wouldn't want us to live in my house either. I can't bear to even step into it any longer, let alone live there. Can't we stay here?"

"Too dangerous. Although the Dark Lord himself would not come here—he prefers to summon his servants to attend him wherever he may be—it's possible Death Eaters would. Although they generally don't visit me here, they do know I live here. If Death Eaters showed up unexpectedly, it would, of course…complicate things. If they arrived suddenly we would have to pretend you were under the Imperius Curse until they left," he said, eyes twinkling, with a soft chuckle. Lily's eyes widened at his jest.

"The other Death Eaters have been tasked with a…mission which, I believe, is keeping all of them busy for the time being, which is why I felt it has been acceptable for us to remain here until now. But continuing to stay here with you is a risk I am unwilling to take," Snape continued. "I keep this place for no other reason than it affords me privacy." He paused for a moment, and continued gently. "I would not have you live at Spinner's End, Lily. It needs updating. Not until the war is over at least, then we can discuss it." He turned to her to see if the assumption in his last words—that they would remain together for the foreseeable future—would unnerve her. He was pleased to see that they had done no such thing.

"Anywhere with you would be fine with me, Sev," Lily responded with a knowing smile. "What are you thinking?"

"I know of a place in Godric's Hollow that is for rent. I will arrange for you to look at it tomorrow."

"All right."

Snape paused for a moment. "Lily, there is something else I would like to discuss with you."

"Sure, Sev."

"I would like you to consider taking a leave of absence from the Ministry. I am becoming more and more concerned with your safety," he said gently, unsure how she would respond.

He shouldn't have worried. "Safety? I think you just want to keep me locked up in the house. Or perhaps locked up in your bed," Lily teased.

"Or perhaps on the sofa," Snape smirked, pulling her close.

"Or on the floor," Lily countered.

"Or in the…kitchen?" Snape was making short work of the buttons on her shirt. "Am I that transparent?" he murmured silkily as he bit her neck.

"Oh, yes," Lily breathed, not sure if her assent was an answer to his question or not.

* * *

 _Alice,_

 _Would you like to meet for lunch on Tuesday? I'd love to see you. I can stop by your office to pick you up._

 _Lily_

The two friends had barely taken the first bites of their lunch when Lily divulged her reason for asking Alice to meet her.

"Alice, I'm going to take a leave of absence from the Ministry," Lily said evenly.

Alice ceased chewing her salad in mid bite. "Oh my. Lil, are you OK, my dear?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Actually I'm more than fine. I just need some time off to…collect myself."

"Well, you've been through a lot." Alice paused and looked at her friend concernedly. "Lil, honey, what's going on?"

Lily wanted more than anything to tell her best friend about Severus. _I'm seeing this perfect man. He adores me, and I, him. I've shacked up with him and we spend our days snogging ourselves breathless and shagging until I can't walk. Oh, by the way, he's my ex-husband's mortal enemy and he works for You-Know-Who as a Death Eater. How about you and Frank come over for dinner next Saturday?_ Imagining Alice's face at that piece of news, Lily snorted then choked on her drink.

Alice looked at her friend as if she had lost her mind. Lily decided on, "Alice, I'm seeing someone." A particularly vivid memory of Severus moaning her name flitted across her vision, making impossible for Lily to keep her face from flushing. She sputtered, "I…I just can't…introduce you right now. I promise, when the time is right, I will."

"Lil, what's this have to do with—?"

She reached across the table and squeezed Alice's hand. "Trust me, Alice."

"….OK…" Alice did her best to smile. "Listen, I have some news myself. I wanted to tell you, but it's really early yet, so you mustn't breathe a word…Frank and I are expecting."


	12. Chapter 12 A Date, As It Were

**Chapter Twelve "A Date, As It Were"**

They had been in their new home in Godric's Hollow for barely a week when Snape returned home for the evening, his decision made. He could think of no reason to wait.

He found Lily folded up in a cozy armchair by a small lamp in the nearly dark sitting room, so deeply absorbed in her book, she barely noticed Snape stepping into the room. He stood in front of her, watching, and then bent down and gently closed her book.

"Severus Tobias Snape, I was reading that!" her feigned anger dissolving into laughter. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough, Madam." His dark eyes glittered mischievously as he leaned in for a soft kiss. "I would like you to accompany me tomorrow night, on a date, as it were. Indulge me. Wear something….appropriate…for the...occasion." A smile threatened the edges of his mouth, and he kissed her again.

"Appropriate for the occasion?" Lily repeated blankly.

"Yes. A special one." And he continued to kiss her, her book long forgotten.

* * *

"I'll be downstairs, Lily." Snape smiled warmly in Lily's direction and headed down to the first floor to give her privacy to dress for their evening together. He paced restlessly around the sitting room as the minutes ticked by, his hand never leaving the pocket of his dress robes to ensure that the treasure inside hadn't gone missing.

When Lily appeared, Snape decided it had been well worth the wait. Lily had charmed her emerald green dress to shimmer delicately as she descended the stairs; the gossamer fabric graced her curves and complimented her eyes perfectly. He looked at her but it was as though he had lost all ability to speak.

"Do you like it?" She smiled and her face blushed deep crimson, almost matching her fiery hair.

"Obviously…" Snape said huskily as he openly appraised her, then pulled her close enough so she could feel his desire for her. "But not enough to allow you to wear it very long, I'm afraid." His lips found hers; he kissed her, deeply and passionately. "But first, follow me."

Snape intertwined Lily's fingers with his own and led her back up the stairs, past their bedroom to the top floor then onto the roof. Instead of asphalt under their feet, soft grass cushioned their steps. Snape had conjured trees to give them privacy and protect them from the cool breeze. She gasped. "Sev, it's beautiful. I almost believe you can change the weather."

He chuckled. "Let's get comfortable, shall we?"

A generous downy blanket with overstuffed pillows was waiting for them on the grass. Snape sat down and invited her to place her head on his chest. A fire pit erupted in yellow flame as he summoned blood red elf-made wine. As they lay back to gaze at the star-strewn sky, he intertwined his fingers with hers. After more than a comfortable hour, Snape became still and distant, his thoughts far away.

Lily sensed Snape's subtle change in mood and broke the silence. "It's a perfect evening, Sev. I have never been this happy in my life. Thank you. I love it. And I love you, always." Lily's face reflected the firelight, her smile as warm as the embers. "I'm pleased you're enjoying it. But the evening isn't over, my love," Snape replied, smiling to himself, almost shyly.

Snape sat up and gently pulled her up by her hands so she was sitting as well. Lily looked at him curiously. He reached into his pocket and sank back onto his knees while regarding her in the firelight.

"Marry me." He said it without preamble, without question.

Lily gaped. In Snape's unsteady hand was an uncommonly old velvet box, opened to reveal an antique diamond ring. Lily recognized it at once, and a memory surfaced, sharp and clear, from more than a decade ago.

" _I want to show you something, Lily." Snape hesitated then, as if he had been shocked at his own words and wished he could unsay them._

" _What, Sev?"_

 _He plunged forward anyway, now that Lily had shown interest. "This…"_

 _He opened a black velvet box. Inside was a large, sparkly ring. It was very interesting and expensive-looking to Lily, fancy, like something a married woman would wear. A wedding ring, maybe? Lily's eyes widened. "Whoa! Where'd you get it?"_

" _It was Grandmother Prince's," Snape replied, proudly. "She gave it to me. It's a secret. My dad doesn't know."_

" _Whatcha gonna do with it, Sev? You gonna sell it or something?"_

 _Snape's young eyes instantly became guarded. He almost seemed…embarrassed. He didn't want to answer, but now it was too late. Lily Evans was asking him a question, so he had to reply. "No way. I'm going to give it to the girl I'm going to marry," he said, with all the bravado his nine year old self could muster._

Lily never understood why her throat had clenched at his words. She knew now that it had been the stirrings of jealousy in her young heart for the woman who would eventually bear his ring and his name.

And here it was being presented to her.

Her eyes barely contained the tears that suddenly appeared and threatened to spill down her cheeks. "Sev…"

"Marry me," he repeated, only a bit more urgently.

Lily's eyes widened encouraging the pooled tears to fall; as they landed, deep emerald stains blossomed on the fabric of her dress. She still, however, made no reply.

Uncharacteristically, Snape backtracked. "Do you need more time, Lily? I understand this is very soon for you, and I realize we won't be able to share it with anyone until the war is over, which means we cannot have a proper wedding for a while, but…" His voice trailed off.

"I just never thought…after all I put you through…after…" Lily said softly and stifled a sob.

"Will you…?" His question came as the softest of whispers.

Lily's green eyes met his. She reached up and tenderly caressed the side of his cheek with her fingertips. Snape barely heard her response through her tears. "Yes, Sev. Yes. I would be honored to be your wife."

He pulled her close. After a few moments, she moved out of his embrace to look in his eyes and smiled brightly at him. Her tears were gone. Snape took it as the queue to stifle the fire and stand, extending his hand to help her up off the blanket. With a flick of his ebony wand, the trees, the blanket, and everything else he had conjured vanished.

"Now about that dress…" he purred, his velvet voice rich with desire, "I'd like to see how it looks on my floor."

And, as he took her hand to lead her back inside their cozy house, for the first time in his life, Snape welcomed indescribable happiness over the threshold of his soul, inviting it to settle in and make itself at home.

* * *

 _My dearest Lily,_

 _I had step out to buy some ingredients for a potion I am developing. You will probably arrive home before me. I will take care of dinner for us when I return._

 _I love you more than life, my love. Your love has healed me. I am yours forevermore._

 _Sev_


	13. Chapter 13 Another Way Hearts Can Break

**Chapter Thirteen "Another Way A Heart Can Break"**

Friday, November 23, 1979

Snape knew the moment he returned to their cozy home in Godric's Hollow that there was something gravely wrong with Lily. His fiancé was drawn up in a cushioned chair with her arms hugging her thin legs, staring. Dried tears marred her lovely face. Lily avoided his eyes as he strode into the sitting room.

"Lily…Lily what's happened? What's wrong, my love?"

Struggling for composure, Lily glanced down and unfolded her legs, leaving her hands on her lap. Her hands were shaking. "It's…it's…" Lily swallowed hard, mustering her courage, steeling herself against his rejection, his fury. _I've ruined everything._ _Best to just out it right away, I suppose._ "I'm pregnant, Sev." Lily stopped him before he could speak. "Sev, before you say anything, I'm not sure…" she whispered the last few words as if by saying them softly, they might fail to matter to him. "Sev, I'm not sure the baby is yours."

He allowed himself to collapse into the nearest chair. _Shit_. _If she has any doubt it's mine, it's probably not. That's why she's so upset. Fuck. FUCK._

 _What am I going to do if Lily is carrying Potter's child?_

Still looking down into her lap, Lily started to ramble, trying to dump all her thoughts out at once. "I was never regular, see, and with everything that's been going on, it just didn't occur to me to think about it until I had lunch with Alice…and, well, two days before I found him with Mary…which was only a week before I sent you the owl…" Lily stopped when she realized Snape could follow her train of thought without providing any more details.

"I felt so sick every morning this week. I just thought it was the stress from the war. Then I realized that I'd been gaining weight, too," Lily said by way of explanation. "So I got a Muggle test." She paused. "Sev, what am I going to do?" she finished miserably without meeting Snape's eyes.

"What are _we_ going to do," he corrected her. Snape's simple revision allowed Lily to cling to a thin ray of hope. He crossed the room and kneeled before her.

"But we won't know until the baby is born if…."she said gazing at him in anguish from behind her stunning hair and let the words fall away without completing the thought.

"Now is not the time for worry. Now is the time for me to hold you." Snape got up and put his arms around her.

"If it's his, I understand if you don't want to marry me…" she sobbed, the fingers on her right hand twisting the antique ring.

"Oh, Lily," Snape breathed as he held her, "that would never be the case."

Some minutes later, Snape rose and disengaged from their embrace, strode to the hall closet, and shrugged himself into a long black Muggle coat.

"Sev, where are you going?" came Lily's desperate voice.

"I'm going for a walk, Lily," Snape responded evenly. At the look of abandonment and horror on her face, he added gently, "Everything is all right, I simply need some time to…digest the news." He walked back across the sitting room and bent to give her a brief, chaste kiss. "I won't be long." As the front door latch clicked shut, Snape pulled in a deep breath of the chilly night air.

Snape had no tangible destination in mind as he walked down the few steps and onto the path leading to sidewalk, but his footsteps automatically ushered him to the neighborhood park. He needed the process the shock of Lily's words, without the distraction of having to comfort her, without having to mask his feelings for fear of upsetting her.

Snape was angry.

Snape wasn't angry at Lily, per se. He understood how this could have happened and he tried to reason with himself. _OK, the baby could be Potter's. Or mine. Or…Potter's. Shit. SHIT. I think we both know, based on the timing, it's much more likely to be Potter's._

 _Damn it. DAMN IT._

Snape roamed about the little park, trying to get his thoughts and emotions in order, oblivious to the gentle snow falling down around him.

The thought of his Lily sleeping with that swine resurrected every feeling of hatred and loathing he had ever felt. He had nearly succeeded in forgetting her past. Ignoring it into oblivion. But now he knew he—they—had not escaped it. It felt like betrayal, but he knew, by God, he _knew_ it was no such thing. But that was exactly how it felt.

He walked.

As Snape circled around the abandoned park, he thought of all of the dreams he had for his marriage that would no longer come true.

 _OK…if it's his, can I raise that bastard's child?_

He walked some more.

 _But I have_ her _._

The gentle snow stopped, as if the world was holding its breath.

 _That is enough. That will always be enough._

He continued to walk aimlessly.

And finally, a vow, pledged to himself: _no matter what, this is Lily's child, so I will do my best to raise him._

 _Besides, when has our relationship ever gone as planned?_ he thought sardonically.

Snape returned home hours later and found Lily still in the same chair in the sitting room, looking stricken, fresh tears upon her face. He silently crossed the room and encircled her in his arms, eager to comfort her and to receive the little comfort she could offer him in return.


	14. Chapter 14 A Favor, Really

**Chapter Fourteen "A Favor, Really"**

Monday, November 26, 1979

Several days later, the shock of Lily's news had worn off considerably, and they both began to prepare themselves emotionally for a baby while their relationship was still new. Snape was pulling on a long sleeved white dress shirt as Lily lay in their bed, covered by a thin sheet, propped up on her elbow and wearing only her engagement ring. She eyed him approvingly as he started the buttons of his shirt.

"Sev, I've been thinking. There's no reason to wait to get married, is there? Would it be all right if we get married, now, right here? In our home. Before…before I get big. Before the baby's born."

"If that is what you want, my love, absolutely," Snape smiled around his words as he shrugged his frock coat over his dress shirt.

"We'll need a witness."

"It will have to be Dumbledore, of course." Snape turned to face the mirror and started on the many buttons on the sleeves of his raven coat, the one he always wore to mask the black stain tainting his left forearm.

"Of course." Snape glanced at Lily's reflection in the mirror, her green eyes meeting Snape's dark ones in the glass. "You are the most attractive man I have ever seen," she said to him, simply and sincerely.

Snape paused fastening his buttons. "Thank you, Lily," he responded in a quiet, reserved voice, somehow deeply moved.

 _ **That Evening**_

Lily waited until all the other Order members had left before she approached Dumbledore once again. "Headmaster, may I see you for a moment?"

"More inquiries for me after another Order meeting adjourns?" Dumbledore asked, eyes sparkling, purposefully reminding Lily of last time they met alone in this very room.

Chagrined, Lily responded, "I do have a question to ask you, Headmaster. A favor, really."

"By all means." Dumbledore steepled his fingers, as his bright blue eyes regarded her curiously over his half-moon spectacles from the enormous chair behind his desk.

"Headmaster, are you able to legally officiate a wedding?" Lily tried and failed to make her question sound casual; instead, the emotion sounded contrived, the airiness, forced.

"It just so happens that I am able." Dumbledore ambled around to the front of his desk, glanced down at her engagement ring, and regarded Lily heavily. "Lily, are you sure this is wise?"

This was too important to her for Dumbledore to refuse, so Lily changed her tone. "Please, Headmaster. I have never asked you for anything before. You are the only one who can do this for us. After everything that Severus has done for you, for the Order…will you do this one thing for us?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Yes. Yes, of course, Lily, I will."

* * *

Saturday, December 1, 1979

Snape gazed up at his bride as she appeared at the top of the stairs in their cozy home. Lily, suddenly shy, descended the stairs in a lovely long, white silk dress with a tiny, simple train. As she stopped next to her soon-to-be-husband, the soft fabric pooled at her feet; her face beamed. Snape, dressed in his finest dress robes, made her ache to feel his arms protectively around her.

Dumbledore said without preamble, "Shall we begin?" The couple inched closer to each other as Snape reached for Lily's left hand as Dumbledore started with the Ministry's preliminary requirements.

"Are you, Severus Tobias Snape, free, lawfully, to marry Lily Evans?"

"I am," came his deep velvety reply.

"Are you, Lily Evans, free, lawfully, to marry Severus Tobias Snape?"

"I am," she responded softly but confidently.

They turned to face each other. Snape smiled shyly but spoke without a hint of reservation. "I, Severus Tobias Snape, bond myself to thee, Lily Evans, as your wedded husband. I bond myself to thee, my wife, and no other, for the remainder of my days. I give you this ring as a token of my bond and my love for you, always." Snape slid the ornate ring on Lily's finger.

But Lily's voice was not as steady. "I, Lily Evans, bond myself to thee, Severus Tobias Snape, as your wedded wife. I bond myself to thee, my husband, and no other, for the remainder of my days. I give you this ring as a token of my bond and my love for you, always." Lily's shaking hand slid a simple platinum band on Snape's finger. He raised an eyebrow. This was a surprise.

"I hereby pronounce you husband and wife." Dumbledore started to retreat, his task complete. "Congratulations to you both. I leave you to your evening. Lily. Severus."

Niceties could not convince Snape to look away from his bride. "Thank you, Headmaster," Lily replied, on behalf of both of them. She felt her husband's gaze, intense and demanding her attention.

Dumbledore inclined his head slightly in a bow, grabbed a handful of floo powder, and disappeared into the fireplace in a flash of green flame. They were alone.

Neither said anything for a long moment. Snape bent to kiss her tenderly. "I will always love you, my husband," Lily breathed. "And I will love you, my wife, always," Snape whispered back to her in his velvet voice, as he picked her up and carried her up the stairs, while she leaned her head into his chest, eyes closed, breathing him in to her very soul.

* * *

Severus lay in bed next to his wife, examining his finger in his wedding ring. He took it off to once again read the inscription inside:

 _Always, Lily_

"Do you like it?"

He smiled. "Yes. It's gorgeous, Lily. I'm sorry that I will be unable to wear it outside the house until after the war, my love." He placed it back on his finger. "I love you Mrs. Lily Snape," and kissed her softly.

"Mrs. Lily Snape…" she mused, beaming.

"I love the sound of it," he declared.

"As do I, Sev. I've never been as happy as I am now," and she leaned in to kiss him lightly. "My Slytherin husband," she teased.

Snape chuckled. "Silly Gryffindor."

He took her hand, intertwining his fingers in hers, and laid her back and made love to her slowly and tenderly, never once glancing away from her green eyes.

* * *

 _Headmaster,_

 _I find that I am in the same condition as our friend Alice, and request your advice._

 _In confidence,_

 _L.E.S._

Snape unrolled the parchment that came by owl that morning, certain it was the reply to the letter Lily sent to Dumbledore earlier that day.

 _Lily,_

 _In light of your current health situation, I am excusing you from meetings and associated endeavors indefinitely._

 _Sincerely,_

 _A.D._

Snape turned to his wife. "Well, my love, I think it's wise."

"I know. It's just…odd. I've always been part of the Order. It's been my life since Hogwarts."

"Oh, Lily," said Snape gently as he settled his arms around her, "everything will be all right."


	15. Chapter 15 Conversations Overheard

**Chapter Fifteen "Conversations Overheard"**

March 1980

Lily's head was comfortably in Snape's lap while he read, his left hand unconsciously stroking her long, smooth hair when suddenly his Dark Mark burned deeply. He looked up from his book. "I've been summoned," he said to Lily as well as he could through pain and gritted teeth.

"I worry so much for you when you go, Sev," Lily said, concern etched in her features as she sat up from his lap.

He stood, then bent to kiss her, handing her his ring. "I will be back as soon as I can. I love you," he said just before disappearing into black smoke.

Neither could have known then that it would be the night when things would start to go horribly wrong.

 _ **Several Hours Later**_

"Master," addressed Snape to Voldemort, inclining his head severely.

"Severus," responded The Dark Lord in a low hiss. "Tell me what you discovered this evening that was so urgent that you needed to tell me tonight."

"As you know, Dumbledore was interviewing a candidate for the Divination position at Hogwarts this evening at Hog's Head. During the interview, the candidate, Sybil Trelawney, gave a prophecy concerning you, my lord."

"Continue."

"The prophecy stated: _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies._ At that point, I was detected and removed from the premises."

Voldemort was silent for a moment; Snape was not enjoying the silence one bit.

"Do not concern yourself. You have done well, my loyal servant."

Snape inclined his head, internally relieved. "Thank you, my lord."

"I will think on this. You may go, Severus."

"Thank you, my lord."

* * *

" _Lily_ …"

"I'm in here, Sev." He strode into the far room, visibly upset, black robes billowing behind him. Lily looked up to see her husband in a state she had never seen him in before: white faced with panic, with a grim set to his lips. "Sev…my God, what's wrong?"

"I…I…part of my tasks set forth by the Dark Lord is to tail and report on Dumbledore. So I had to tell him. He specifically sent me to listen tonight, _so I had to tell him_." Lily looked at her husband blankly, but allowed him to continue without interruption. Snape collected his thoughts and then continued. "Tonight, I was at Hog's Head in Hogsmeade. Dumbledore was interviewing a candidate for the Divination teacher position at Hogwarts…" Snape swallowed and took a ragged breath and got to the heart of his concern. "Lily, have you and Potter defied the Dark Lord three times?"

"I'm sorry…?"

"When you were actively participating in Order of the Phoenix raids, had you defied the Dark Lord three times?" Lily was silent for a long moment. "Yes, Sev, I think so. Once in May of…funny, I think Alice and Frank were with us each time…" Lily stopped speaking because of the look on her husband's face. "Sev, what's going on?"

* * *

Snape hadn't slept that night; he'd been too anxious to talk to the Headmaster. Upon arriving at Dumbledore's office the next morning, he paced the floor.

"Severus, please sit down. I know this must be very difficult for you. Obviously, you must realize the prophecy could concern the child Lily is carrying." Snape, a wild look in his dark eyes, seemed not to notice Dumbledore's awkward phrasing, and was apparently unable to respond. "You must also realize that it does not necessarily have to be Lily's child. Incidentally, the Longbottoms are expecting a child at the end of July as well." Snape continued to pace; obviously he was not been surprised by this last piece of news.

"Severus, I asked you to come here today because I want to share something with you. There was more to the prophecy than what you overheard." Dumbledore stopped and appraised his former student, who had ceased pacing. "Miss Trelawney said: ' _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies.'_ I believe Aberforth escorted you at this point." Snape nodded.

Dumbledore went on, "The prophecy continued, …' _and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies.'"_

Snape was stunned. "The 'power that the Dark Lord knows not'? What could this be, Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes peered at Snape over his half-moon spectacles. "I have been contemplating this. What is it that Voldemort lacks? The answer, Severus, is obvious once you see it."

Snape was silent for a moment. _What does the Dark Lord lack? power… followers…influence…no, none of those things…kindness…mercy…well, yes, but it must be something more basic, something much more powerful…_. Dumbledore stood smiling patiently, as if he hadn't a care in the world, waiting for Snape to come to an answer. "Love, Dumbledore. He lacks love."

"Yes, I believe that is our answer," Dumbledore smiled even wider. Let me suggest that you do not grant Voldemort the knowledge of the rest of the prophecy."

"Perhaps he will not act if he knows the child will have a power he is unable to possess," Snape suggested, more in desperation than anything else.

"But does that fit of what we know of Voldemort? Would he be put off by the prophecy, or oppositely, be more aggressive in his quest to destroy his would-be enemy? I believe from what we know of Voldemort, the latter is more likely."

"Is…is there no other way?"

"We have time. Voldemort does not yet know of Lily or Alice's pregnancy. Once the babies are born, we must hide them using the Fidelius Charm."

"Will it be enough, Dumbledore?" asked Snape desperately.

"It must, Severus. It must."


	16. Chapter 16 He Has Your Eyes

**Chapter Sixteen "He Has Your Eyes"**

Another Order of the Phoenix meeting concluded, lacking nearly any good news to encourage the battle weary members. Lupin stood and waited politely for Dumbledore to finish with the other members before approaching the elder wizard. "Headmaster, where's Lily been? Her office at the Ministry tells me that she took a leave of absence and now she's no longer coming to Order meetings. I can't seem to locate her." Lupin tried but failed to keep equal parts concern and curiosity out of his voice.

"I have excused Lily from both meetings and raids for a short time," Dumbledore replied evenly.

"Is she all right?"

"Yes, Remus. She simply is unable to attend. I'm certain as her friend, you will respect her privacy in this matter," Dumbledore turned, the discussion over.

"Of…course, sir," conceded Lupin, and moved to leave.

Dumbledore reconsidered his dismissal of Lupin and turned back toward the lanky man's shabby, retreating form. "And Remus…"

"Yes, sir?"

"Many things in Lily's life have changed recently. I trust that as her friend, when you are finally in contact with her, you will be supportive of her… choices."

"Of course, sir."

* * *

"AAAH..!"

Snape jolted awake in agony, pain radiating from his left forearm. As many times has Snape had been summoned by Voldemort, he was still shocked by the extent of searing pain that could be inflicted by his Dark Mark. Surprised that his yell had not awoken Lily, Snape quietly removed himself from their warm bed and quickly got dressed. Lily, heavily pregnant, was still sleeping soundly when he bent to kiss her, so he hurriedly left a brief note to greet her when she awoke.

* * *

July 31, 1980

The Snape's were in their kitchen; Severus, his nose buried in an obscure potions book, wasn't paying much attention to Lily, waddling around, preparing breakfast. At the sound of a frying pan being placed on the stovetop, Snape looked up from his reading. "Lily, please sit down and allow me do that."

"Sev, I need to get up and walk around. It's good for me. I'm fine, really," she responded good-naturedly but tiredly. As she turned to open the refrigerator, she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh…!"

"Lily…?"

A dark stain was growing on the bottom half of her dressing gown. "Sev…" she managed, her eyes widening as if she were a terrified child.

Snape stood up in an instant and sat her gently down in a chair. "Your water just broke. The baby is coming, Love. I'll call Poppy. Everything is going to be all right." He kissed her tenderly on top of the head and disappeared into the living room to use the fireplace.

Several hours later, Madam Pomfrey placed a newborn boy in Snape's arms as Lily rested in the bed. She looked at Snape holding her son and smiled tiredly. "I'd like to name him Harry, Sev."

Snape didn't answer right away. He was staring at the baby boy, who had just opened his eyes. "My God, Lily," Snape looked across at his wife, clearly overcome with emotion, "He has your eyes."

* * *

August 1980

Standing and watching a sleeping Harry in the crib, Lily reached for Severus' hand. "Sev?" she whispered tentatively.

"Yes, my love," Snape responded, his eyes still on Harry.

Lily paused for just a second. "I think I need to know."

"I believe I would like to know as well."

"Sev, is there a way…?"

Snape turned to his wife and reached down to brush her long red hair back with his hand. "I have been contemplating this, my love. I can create a potion that will tell us. Are you certain you are prepared for the answer?"

"Yes, I am." Pause. "Will you love him less if he's not yours?" she asked her husband softly.

"What a thing to ask me, Lily."

* * *

Down in the room that had been set aside for potion-making, two cauldrons sat, nearly full and mouths agape, waiting for Snape to feed them the final ingredients. Into one, he would place a lock of his own hair, and into the other, a lock of Harry's. Snape held the dark fibers in his hands, knowing the moment the strands of hair touched each potion, he would have his answer. _Please…let him be mine…please…_

But it was not to be.

"… _no_ …" he whispered, and bowed his head forward to the countertop and briefly gave into self-pity, weeping silently.

 _This was finally my chance, our chance. A chance to have something with her that she hadn't shared with Potter. I'm tired of being second…the second person to kiss her, the second person to make love to her, the second person to marry her. Now that swine will claim her first child as well._

 _Life. Isn't. Fair._

Using the skills he honed feigning a Death Eater, the commensurate actor composed himself, and made his way up to the kitchen to share the news with his wife. Lily didn't need to hear Snape articulate the result of his potion test; she could see through her husband's impassive expression to the answer in his eyes.

Remembering the evening when she told him of her pregnancy, Lily's first concern was for her husband. "Are you OK, Sev?" she asked tentatively.

"I'm OK, Lily," Snape responded somewhat stiffly.

Pause. "Should we tell him, Sev?"

"If it were me, I would want to know. I think any man would want to know," Snape said evenly, without looking Lily in the eye.

"We don't know what he'll do," Lily pointed out.

Snape turned to her. "True. But it is the right thing to do, Lily."

"Let me think about it. I'm just not ready to tell him yet."

Snape responded gently. "You must tell him, Lily. But take your time, my love. There is no need to rush."

* * *

Lily sat in the sitting room, Snape stationed across from her on a leather chair. He had been watching her for some time, staring at her as she held Harry, who had fallen sleep in her arms. Snape allowed himself to remember their first night together:

" _There is no going back, Lily," he had whispered._

" _I know."_

 _He had kissed her tenderly then, like a promise. He hadn't trusted himself to speak, so without a word, he took her hand in his and led her up the stairs at Spinner's End, to his bed, and gently sat her down. His heart had been too full, his thoughts, too jumbled and reeling to express himself coherently. He remembered crossing to close the heavy bedroom door and finding the one thing that he could articulate, the one thing that had been so steadfastly true, for so many years, that he had had no reservations in saying it. "You are mine. You have always been mine, and you will be mine…always," and then, he remembered smiling at her, his heart so filled with joy at his chance, he could barely breathe._

 _Dear God in heaven, he loved her._

 _He had turned and the red haired beauty—the one he had sold his soul for, the one who lived in his dreams, the one who he believed was his soulmate—was sitting on his bed, looking at him expectantly._

 _He'd been terrified._

 _And that's when she had smiled back at him. Lily's sweet, knowing smile, easing his fear, inviting him close. She had known. She had reached out her hand, and he'd crossed the room to take it. And that had been another beginning for them, the beginning of what had made him complete._

Lily felt his dark eyes on her and looked up. "You are so beautiful," he said in response to her inquisitive look. She smiled at his words.

"I will love you, always, Sev," she replied, gazing at him tenderly, and he got up from his chair to be closer to his wife.

* * *

September 1980

"Sev, can I ask you something? Do you think it would be all right if I take Harry to Alice's house? Or can I invite Alice here?"

"Absolutely not, Lily."

Lily continued with a heavy sigh. "It's just that I'm going crazy without company, Sev. I don't see anyone but Bathilda. And I think it would be fun for Harry, too. He can play with Alice's little boy."

"Lily, he's two months old. He'll have no idea if someone's here to play with him. He'll likely sleep the entire time."

"Please, Severus?"

"No."

"Please?" she repeated.

"Persistent, aren't we?" he mused.

"I can use other methods to convince you," she teased, running her finger up his sleeve of his jet black coat.

He looked into her pleading eyes, and allowed himself a wry smile. "You're going to be the death of me, woman." He paused and said, more seriously, "Lily, don't ask this of me. It's not safe."

"It'll be ok. I promise, nothing will happen to us."

"I cannot be assured of that." He sighed, then relented. "I would feel better if we arranged for you to visit the Longbottoms, rather than have Alice come here."

"Thank you, Sev."

"Oh, don't worry, I'll find ways for you to express your unending gratitude," he smirked.

* * *

"Lil!" Alice Longbottom swung her front door open as Lily climbed the steps of her front porch, her smile as wide as her open door.

"Alice!" Lily nearly squealed in delight at the sight of her school friend.

"Come in!" The friends embraced. "It's so good to see you!"

"It's so good to see _you_!"

The women walked into the sitting room. Bending down to the baby swing, Lily smiled widely. "This must be Neville. Hello, Neville." Lily turned to Alice. "He's beautiful, Alice."

"And this must be Harry. Lil, you can already tell that he has your eyes."

Lily laughed. "Yeah, everyone's saying that."

"Can you believe they were born one day apart? Who could have guessed?"

"I know it!"

Lily caught Alice noticing her ring, but neither said anything.

"So how are you? How's Frank?" Lily began, trying to deflect the conversation away from her wedding ring for the moment.

"We're doing well. Frank's busy with Order business, of course." Alice smiled. "I've actually taken a leave from the Ministry, too, so I can be home with Neville as much as I can. Dumbledore doesn't like it, but Frank has insisted that we both remain active in the Order even with the prophecy. We have Fidelius at the house to protect Neville, as you know. Frank's parents stay with him when we go, and I have to say, even if I were You-Know-Who, I wouldn't want to cross my mother-in-law."

"Does it worry you? The prophecy?"

"I'm not worried, Lil. Frank and I can handle anything that comes our way." Alice turned into the kitchen. "Let's sit. Tea, my dear?"

"Brilliant idea."

"Alice…I need to tell you something…" She glanced down at her left hand.

"What is it, Lil? You're not back with James, certainly?"

Lily nodded her head. "Good lord, no."

"Then who…? Wait. Is it the man you said you were seeing when we had lunch?"

"You're my friend, Alice, but I just don't think you'd understand this one."

"Try me."

"Listen, Alice. I can't tell you who it is, it's simply too risky right now. Then you'd have to keep my secret, and I can't burden you with that as well." Lily took a deep breath. "What I wanted to tell you is, yes, I'm married again. To a wonderful man and father. I want you to know that I'm very, very happy, Alice. For the first time in my life, even with the war going on, everything seems…right." She smiled a sad smile. "But, I'm afraid, that's all I can share for now."

Alice took Lily's hand and smiled back at her. "I understand. You know sometimes it works that way during war. It's OK, Lil. I'm happy for you. Truly."

* * *

"Now that I come to think of it, husband, I think I owe you some … _unending gratitude_." Lily walked into the sitting room that evening with a devious smile on her face.

Snape looked up from his notes. "Hmmmm?"

"You know, for letting me go see Alice today."

"Ah." He allowed himself to smile sinfully back at her.

"Is there anything you can think of that you might enjoy? Perhaps…" Lily walked over to the armchair where Snape had been reading and tugged on his pants. He raised an eyebrow.

"I think I might let you out of the house more often," he growled.

"Just imagine how grateful I'd be all the time," she countered, attention on his growing arousal.

"Perhaps you can give me a taste of just how grateful you'd be," he managed.

"A taste, hmmm?" she responded, as she knelt down in front of his chair and wrapped her lips around him, ending the conversation for both of them.

* * *

Lily felt her stomach drop and glanced up at her husband from behind the _Daily Prophet_ with a horrified look in her eyes. _**Longbottoms Admitted to St. Mungo's After Fierce Battle with Death Eaters**_ , screamed the headline. "Oh my God, Sev…" she choked out.

"Lily, what's—?"

" _Alice_ …"


	17. Chapter 17 A Nearly Impossible Request

**Chapter Seventeen "A Nearly Impossible Request"**

October 1980

So much was riding on the safety of the two children that had been born at the end of July. Both of the boys' homes were protected by the Fidelius Charm, but Snape doubted it would be sufficient to keep them hidden forever. The war, as well as Voldemort's efforts to find the babies, were escalating.

If Snape was gone when someone discovered their location, Lily would be the only wand between Voldemort and Harry. Lily was a formidable witch, but her spells would be inadequate against such a threat. So Snape decided to approach Dumbledore to float the idea of a guard rotation to help protect them both.

"Dumbledore, we need assistance at the house. I'm not comfortable leaving Lily and Harry alone anymore, even with Fidelius in place. It's becoming too dangerous. The Dark Lord has become…obsessed with finding them."

"What do you suggest, Severus?"

"A guard rotation perhaps. And a method for Lily to contact you if I get called away and she requires someone on short notice."

"I don't need to remind you that the more people that know where you live, the riskier it is."

"Lily and I believe the additional risk is offset by the extra safety it affords us. She feels strongly that we need an extra wand at Godric's Hollow. I tend to agree."

"With the Longbottoms in St. Mungo's, I'm low on people." Dumbledore paused. "Severus, what if one of these guards has to be James?"

Snape steeled his face. "So be it," he replied in clipped tone, and, in response to Dumbledore's questioning stare, he added, "and tell him whatever you like." Snape turned on his heel and left the room without another word.

As soon as Snape's billowing black robes vanished through the door to his office, Dumbledore settled himself at the headmaster's desk to ink an owl post. _I think it is time that I had a meeting with James Potter_ , thought Dumbledore sadly, _I just can't imagine it going well._

The following day, James arrived at the headmaster's office, filled with curiosity about the conference Dumbledore called outside of a usual Order meeting.

"James, would you sit down? We have…delicate matters to discuss." As the headmaster looked up from behind his half-moon glasses, James could see a tension lingering in Dumbledore's tired, blue eyes. Even the seriousness of Dumbledore's tone didn't prepare James Potter for what Dumbledore uttered next. "James, have you had any contact with Lily in the last six months?"

Whatever James had believed Dumbledore wanted to talk to him about, _this_ was not it. "No, sir," James replied, taken aback, with more than a hint of sadness. "She refuses to see me. She won't even respond to my owls."

"Surely you can understand her reasoning." Dumbledore ambled to the front of his desk, getting closer to where James was sitting. "James—Lily has—Lily had a baby at the end of July," Dumbledore said as gently as he could. James' face was a mixture of disbelief, horror, and shock. He sat dumbfounded and speechless, looking at Dumbledore as if he could not process the elder wizard's words.

"There's more." Dumbledore waited for a moment and took a deep breath, wishing there was another way to break this next news to his former student. "Lily and Severus Snape were married in private ceremony late last year."

For a split second, James didn't seem to comprehend. At last, he sputtered, " _I'M SORRY…? Lily and_ _Snape…?_ Oh my God. I'm going to kill that sodding bastard!" Then he hung his head in his hands, anger deflating. "So I have truly lost her."

"It seems that you have," replied Dumbledore gently. After a moment, he said, "Let me ask you, James, do you believe in our cause in this war?"

"You know I do," replied James miserably, staring down at his hands in his lap, thoughts reeling, confused by what seemed to be a change in the conversation's direction.

"Then I must ask you to do something which may seem most difficult for you, I daresay, so difficult you may find it nearly impossible." He paused. "I must ask you to guard Lily and the baby while Severus is—"

"How can you ask me that?" James cut across the headmaster, anger and hurt boiling to the surface once more, his voice rising. "Snape can go straight to hell! I will do nothing to help a Death Eater, Dumbledore! Nothing! I can't believe you would ask me that, it's…" James sputtered, "it's treason! After all the people they've killed and maimed? Frank and Alice are lying in St. Mungo's and they'll never recover! I don't care if Lily is…is…" he stammered—incapable of uttering the word married—"… _with_ him. She has chosen _her_ side in this war, and you and she can be damned!"

"James…James," the old wizard repeated kindly. James looked up, fury disfiguring his handsome face.

Dumbledore looked James in the eye. "Severus Snape is our spy, and has been for several years. On my request, he volunteered to take the Dark Mark to spy on Voldemort for the Order. I alone knew this information—until last year, when Lily discovered it." James gaped, shell shocked, but said nothing.

Dumbledore sighed. "There's more, James, if you are prepared to hear it. It is the very reason I am discussing this with you. There is a prophecy about the child. The prophecy suggests the boy will be the one to vanquish Voldemort, so it is absolutely imperative that the baby stays safe."

James sat for a moment without responding. Then he said quietly, "Headmaster, you cannot ask me to do this."

"I can and I _am_. I would not trust this information with just anyone, James. Please." Dumbledore played the one card in his hand. "You loved Lily once. Perhaps you still do. You have the demise of your marriage on your hands, surely you do not want her blood _and_ the loss of everything we hold dear on them, too."

James cringed. "Give me a chance to explain the situation to Sirius and Remus," said James quietly.

"Do you think that wise?"

"I will need help."

Dumbledore considered this. "Very well. You must swear them to secrecy, of course."

* * *

"Padfoot, Moony…thanks for coming, guys." The three friends shook hands and settled into the chairs around the sitting room of James' bachelor flat. "What I'm about to tell you must not be shared with anyone. You must swear it."

As James related his conversation with Dumbledore, the Marauders sat in silent shock. When James finished, the first to speak up was Sirius. "Fucking _Snivellus_ , I can't fucking believe it. What in the bloody hell is Lily thinking?" Sirius' handsome features twisted in disgust.

"The first time you saw her, did she say anything to you about him?" James asked Sirius coolly.

"No, but she did seem resolved to end the marriage, mate. I told you everything she said after I saw her, I swear it."

"I've been thinking and thinking about this. He's one of us. I think we need to help," James stated carefully.

No one said anything for a moment. Then Sirius barked out, "You can't be serious, Prongs! We're not doing anything to help _Snivellus and his spawn!_ " James sighed. "Bumble-bore is mental if he thinks it's OK to ask you to do this, Prongs. It'll be torture in more ways than one," continued Sirius.

Lupin entered the conversation then. "Dumbledore must have his reasons for asking you, James." With a sniff, Sirius interjected, "Sod him." Lupin continued wearily, "We wouldn't be just helping Snape, Padfoot. This would help Lily, too. No matter what you or I think of her decisions, Lily's still our friend. And if what Dumbledore says is true—and we have no reason to doubt him—the child is key to the future of the war. We have to focus on what's important here. There are things that are more important than how we might feel about Snape."

No one said anything for a moment. "I tend to agree with Moony, Padfoot," James said steadily.

Sirius said, "Let me go see Lily. Then we'll decide."


	18. Chapter 18 A Sodding Mess

**Chapter Eighteen "A Sodding Mess"**

Two days later, Lily sat wringing her hands as she waited for Sirius to arrive. She knew Dumbledore had asked James to guard her and Harry when Snape couldn't, and Dumbledore told her James was…considering it. Lily wasn't stupid: she realized Sirius was a reconnaissance mission for James. He would want Sirius' opinion on whether he should agree to accept the mission or not. So be it. But Sirius' spy mission wasn't the cause for her agitation—what was weighing on her mind was the question she wanted to ask her old friend.

Lily was torn. Lupin would have been her first choice, not Sirius. Lupin—kind, stable, almost… _fatherly_ Lupin. _Yeah, except he wouldn't be very kind, stable, or fatherly once a month, now wouldn't he?_

Suddenly, Lily was out of time: Sirius had arrived on her doorstep with a CRACK.

"Hey Lils."

"Hey yourself."

"It's been a while. How are things?"

"Good. They're good."

"Is he here?"

Lily laughed softly, remembering Severus asking the same question about James not so long ago. "No, Padfoot, he's not here. He didn't want to intrude." Neither Lily nor Sirius said anything for a moment.

"Lils, how…how did this happen? How did we get here?"

Lily didn't respond to his question, but changed the subject instead. "Sirius, would you like to meet Harry?"

"Eh…sure."

Lily left the room and returned with a yawning Harry as Sirius settled himself on the couch in the sitting room. As Sirius awkwardly held the baby, Lily sat down beside them.

"Sirius, I have something I'd like to ask you," Lily began. "Severus has no family to speak of. No one that would be able to take his place should he lose his life in the war."

Focused on the sleepy newborn in his arms, Sirius was paying little attention to Lily's words. _The baby definitely has Lily's eyes,_ Sirius thought, _but, lucky kid, I see nothing of Snape in that little face._ Something suddenly occurred to him as he looked from Harry to Lily, and Sirius did a little math. _I wonder…_

Lily noticed Sirius' odd look but continued as if Sirius was following their conversation. "I was wondering if you would consider being Harry's godfather."

Sirius looked at Lily, opened his mouth, but no words came out. Finally he said, " _Sniv_ —Snape agreed to this?"

"Yes, he did. He doesn't trust you, and frankly I don't think he likes you much—" Lily chuckled, "—but he agreed. Padfoot, will you do it?"

"Eh… sure…Sure I will, Lily."

* * *

Back at James' flat that evening, Sirius reported on his meeting with Lily and Harry.

"So? How was it? How's she doing?" James could hardly keep both curiosity and pain out of his voice.

"I saw Lily and the baby. His name's Harry, mate. He has Lily's eyes." Pause. Sirius continued tentatively. "She asked me to be his godfather."

"Wow. Will you?"

"I think so." Sirius turned to James and said sharply, _"James, think, man! The child might be yours!"_

"She would have told me," said James wretchedly after a moment.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe she doesn't know."

* * *

"Sirius suspects," Lily said pointedly as she and her husband sat down for breakfast the next morning. "I could tell when he was here yesterday."

Snape looked up from the freshly arrived _Daily Prophet_. "Lily, my love, I think it is time. It is past time. You need tell him about Harry," Snape said gently, looking over the newspaper. "If Potter knows Harry is his, he's more likely to be fully engaged in the task of guarding him."

"Shouldn't we tell Dumbledore?"

"It's none of his concern. It's likely Dumbledore suspects that Harry isn't my son, which is why he specifically asked Potter to help with guard rotation." Snape put the paper down. "The prophecy does not preclude me from being Harry's father, but I'm certain Dumbledore thinks it unlikely. Ultimately, whether or not Dumbledore believes Harry is my son is irrelevant."

Snape continued dispassionately. "Dumbledore could have chosen Potter because he's the strongest wand he has available. Whatever reason Dumbledore had for asking Potter to guard you, he hasn't shared it with me. Obviously, what is most essential in all of this is that both of you remain safe, and if Potter will do that best knowing Harry is his, we must tell him."

* * *

Sirius knocked at the door of James' flat. He'd received James' owl early that morning, asking him to come as soon as he could.

"Prongs, what's up?"

James said nothing and responded by handing Sirius the letter that had come by owl post to him that morning. Sirius unrolled the parchment, revealing Lily's familiar, elegant hand.

 _James,_

 _First, please forgive me for sending the owl rather than meeting with you face to face. I know you will think me a coward for it, but when I realized we haven't spoken since the night I asked you to leave last October, I thought perhaps owl was the best way for you to receive this news. I don't want to rehash any of what happened between us. But there is something important that I need to tell you, so I will get right to it._

 _As of course you know by now—both because Dumbledore told you and because Sirius was just here—I had a baby boy in July. We've named him Harry. He is our pride and joy and I love him more than I can possibly express._

 _What you may not remember is that we had a night together a couple days before I came home and discovered you with Mary. When I found out I was pregnant I asked Sev to create a potion to tell us who Harry's father is, since at that time we felt it was important to know. James, Harry is in fact your son._

 _Now, Sev feels strongly that I should tell you, so I am. He feels as though if he were in your place, he would want to know. Personally I have to tell you I feel that since you have never even held Harry, much less even seen him, I do not consider you to be his father except by a technicality. Sev is a wonderful father to Harry, and as far as I am concerned, Harry need not ever know that his genes came from someone else._

 _James, I apologize for springing this on you, but I can tell Sirius suspects the truth, and, most importantly, Sev asked me to set the record straight with you._

 _Lily_

Sirius was silent for a minute then handed the parchment back to James. Then: "Fuck."

"Yeah."

"Bloody hell. What a sodding mess." Sirius paused. "You gonna to tell Moony?"

"Yeah. He'll be here a little later." James looked at Sirius desperately. "Severus Snape is raising my son, Padfoot. _Severus_. _Snape_."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Nothing, Padfoot. Nothing. What else can I do?"

Sirius sized up his best friend. "Maybe you should at least meet the kid, mate."

* * *

"James? Hello? You in here, Prongs?" Remus stuck his head in the door and called. James grunted from somewhere deep in the sitting room, so Remus stepped inside the threshold. "I knocked but—" He stopped abruptly when he saw James.

"Firewhisky, Moony?" asked James, his words muddled with drink.

"A bit early for me, Prongs." Remus sat down and considered his friend. "What in the hell is going on?"

"Over there." With his drink in hand, James gestured to the table. "Read it."

Remus rose to find Lily's owl post on the table, and did as he was told. He was silent for a long time. Then Remus looked up at his friend. "I'm sorry."

"Shit—me too, Moony, me too." James got up unsteadily to approach the table. "She never even gave me a chance to make it up to her."

Remus remained silent.

"Now that slimy bastard is living my life. Living my fucking life, Moony! Severus Snape is raising my son…and sleeping with my wife!"

"Your ex-wife," Remus corrected gently. "Trust me, there's no use in dwelling on the things we can't change."

"I suppose you know that better than anybody." James said sourly, taking a long drink from his glass. "Ever the wise one of us, eh, Moony?"

"Some lessons come at a great price."

"Too great." James paused, then walked back into the sitting room, to gaze out the window.

"Do you mind if I ask you what made you, you know, step out on Lily?" Remus asked quietly, after a long moment.

James allowed himself to collapse back into a chair, and answered, his thoughts on a distant memory. "It was a game, Remus. Just a game. I never meant to hurt her. I never cared for any of them."

"It wasn't a game to Lily."

"I know." James looked Remus in the eye. "Padfoot thinks I should go see the baby."

"I think that's exactly what you should do."

* * *

The owl responding to Lily's letter arrived in Godric's Hollow the following day. James did indeed want to meet his son before starting guard duty, if that was OK with Lily and, shockingly enough, if it was OK with Snape as well.

When James arrived, the two men regarded each other silently from opposite ends of the entry hall, both purposely expressionless. Snape bent to kiss Lily, then, staring at James intently, Apparated with a resounding CRACK, the sound echoing around the house like a whip, as if warning James to use discretion around his wife.

"James."

"Lily."

"How…how have you been? Congratulations on the baby," he choked out.

Lily scrutinized her former husband for a moment, making him squirm just a fraction. "I suppose you'd like to meet him then," Lily said, all business, and disappeared into the sitting room. She returned with a bundle, placing a sleeping Harry in James' arms.

"Oh…"

Lily turned and left the room without a word, staying within earshot but allowing James to spend a few private moments meeting his son. When she returned to the kitchen, James' eyes were wet. "Thank you for telling me, Lily."

"You're welcome. It was the right thing to do." Pause. Lily considered her ex-husband. "His middle name is James," she revealed. "It's tradition of course, and Sev insisted."

James had no idea what to say.

"I appreciate you helping us out, James," she said, a bit formally.

"Well, Dumbledore asked me. And I feel like, well, I should help you out if I can."

"Like I said, I appreciate that."

"Lily, I—"

"Don't, OK? Just…don't," she interrupted, raising her hand to stop him from continuing. "I'm very happy, James. Try to be happy for me...for us." She paused and took a breath, which came out more like a sigh. Summoning her formality back, Lily continued, "You may spend time with Harry when you come for guard rotation, if you like."

"I would like that." Lily took Harry back from James, who stood unsteadily to leave. "Thank you, Lily."

Lily hesitated for a moment then said, "I'm glad you decided to visit him, James."

* * *

An hour later, Snape strode into the sitting room and seated himself on the couch next to his wife. "Hi."

"Hi." Lily smiled softly.

Snape wrapped his arms around her. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah. I'm OK." Lily sighed. "It was odd to have him here, in our home, but I suppose I'll have to get used to it since he may be guarding us when you're gone." Lily looked at her husband. "I'm glad we told him, Sev. He seemed really…I don't know…appreciative."

"Well, it is not every day that a man meets a child he never knew he had," Snape responded evenly.

They sat for a moment without speaking, holding hands, the silence speaking volumes.

"I love you, Severus Snape."

"I love you, too, Lily Snape."

And Lily thoroughly smiled at her husband's use of her full name.

* * *

The pub where the three friends agreed to meet was only partially full and not yet overly noisy, since it was barely 9 p.m. The server brought the drinks to the table and left with a brief smile and a nod. "Well, how was it, mate?" asked Sirius without preamble.

"Hard to explain, Padfoot. There's nothing like holding your son for the first time," said James, his thoughts on something far away, his eyes staring, unfocused, on the glass in front of him. Sirius and Lupin were silent, allowing James time to reflect.

"I've already told Dumbledore that we'd help out," James continued, his bringing his attention back to the conversation.

"How is Lily?" inquired Lupin over his glass as he started on his drink.

"Truthfully she seems…quite happy, actually," James hesitated then added, "Happier than I have ever seen her, in fact."

"Did you see _Snivellus_?" asked Sirius. Lupin shot him a disgruntled look.

"Yeah, I saw Snape. He didn't say a word to me. He left the moment I got there." James took a sip of his drink and noted Sirius's gaze following a stunning brunette who had just entered the pub.

"Will you excuse me for a minute?" asked Sirius offhandedly as he picked up his glass and left the table without waiting for a reply.

 _There he goes, chasing some vapid Muggle just like we used to. Some things never change,_ thought James sardonically, _but, damn it, some things do._

Turning to Lupin, James continued, "Moony, it looks like we'll be guarding them when Snape gets called away. Dumbledore devised a method of communication we can use. They're using Fidelius, and I'm their Secret Keeper, so I'll tell you the location of their house when the time comes for us to start rotation. Obviously, Sirius has already been there. Besides Dumbledore, only you, I, and Sirius will know where they live." James looked across the pub to see Sirius leaning into whisper something in the brunette's ear, and she giggled delightedly. "Remus, I can't explain why this so important to me, but it is. Somehow, I feel it's my job to help keep Lily and Harry safe."


	19. Chapter 19 The Only Thing That Matters

**Chapter Nineteen "The Only Thing That Truly Matters"**

December 1, 1980

The soft winter morning light enveloped the Snape's warm bedroom as the couple lay side by side, enjoying a quiet, early morning while Harry slept soundly in his room down the hall. "Good morning, Sev," Lily smiled. "Happy Anniversary."

"Happy Anniversary, Lily," Snape smiled back at his wife, allowing the warmth in his voice to touch his dark eyes. "Come 'ere, wife," he whispered to her.

She turned on her side to kiss him. "I'm right here."

"I need you closer, Madam," he said, and she immediately complied.

* * *

An hour later, the two hadn't emerged from their bed, grateful that Harry was still sleeping soundly. Lily lay her head on Snape's chest, as he smoothed her hair with his fingers.

"I wish there was a way you could get out," Lily whispered.

"I know, Lily. But you know that's simply not possible at this point."

"Sev, I get so frightened sometimes. Frightened for Harry. Frightened for us." She tentatively pulled her fingers down his Dark Mark, conspicuous against the fair skin of his inner left forearm.

"My love," Snape said gently, "that's the good thing about my position. I can keep watch on the Dark Lord. I'll be apprised of his plans. I should know if he ever finds out where we live, long before he sends anyone to try to harm you."

Lily responded earnestly, "Promise me that you will never betray your position to You-Know-Who, ever. No matter what happens. It wouldn't be worth it. He'd torture you."

Snape pulled her even closer. "I promise to keep you and Harry safe, Lily. It's the only thing that truly matters."

* * *

January 1981

"Lupin." Snape greeted his former schoolmate coolly, but politely as Remus entered the Snape's front hall.

"Snape." Lupin held out his hand for Snape to shake. For a split second, Snape looked at it uncomprehendingly, then shook it with just a hint of reservation. Then he turned to his wife, whispered something in her ear as he kissed her on the cheek, and Disapparated.

Lily turned to Lupin, smiling broadly. "Remus! It's been ages! It's so good to see you. Tea?"

"And you, Lily." Lupin returned his smile. "Tea would be lovely, Lily."

"Remus, before I forget, I have something for you."

"What is it?"

"Something Severus left for you. He didn't tell me what it was." Lily left the kitchen and returned a moment later with a bottle filled with a dark potion emitting faint blue smoke. She placed a bottle on the table. "He just said to give it to you after he left."

Lupin stared at it in disbelief.

"Remus, what is it?"

"Lily, you really don't know?" Lupin paused and looked Lily in the eye, who shook her head slightly. "It's wolfsbane." Lily raised an eyebrow in surprise as Lupin reached out and took the large bottle, turning it in his long fingers as he held it. "Did you tell him, Lily?" he asked softly.

"No, Remus. I didn't. I…I think he must have figured it out back at Hogwarts. I think he's suspected for a long time, actually, but we haven't specifically talked about it."

Lupin was silent for a minute while he examined the bottle in his hand. "Well, that was generous of him. Please tell him I said thanks."

"I will. Absolutely." Lily looked up at Remus's tired face and smiled. "So, do you want to meet Harry?"

* * *

March 1981

As a full moon loomed ominously over Godric's Hollow, Snape's Dark Mark suddenly burned like balefire. He glanced up at his wife from his potion book, his eyes tense and dark. "Lily, I have to go. And it looks like Lupin won't be available tonight," he added, standing up and glancing out the window at the bright moon.

"I'll send word to Dumbledore that you'll be gone this evening." Lily turned. "Be safe, my husband. I love you."

"I love you, too, Lily." Snape responded with a soft smile and turned and vanished into smoke on the spot. Lily braced herself for a lonely night ahead, full of worry for her husband, as she retrieved the glass marble from their bedroom she used to call Dumbledore in matters of urgency. For some unexplainable reason, Lily could not shake a feeling of foreboding.

Minutes later, Dumbledore's face appeared in the fireplace, concern etched in his features. "Headmaster," Lily began without preamble, "you asked me to contact you when Harry and I need a guard. Severus has been called away tonight."

"Lily, the Order is engaged in a skirmish tonight, therefore both James and Sirius are otherwise occupied. Remus will not be able to assist you either."

Lily did not immediately reply. "What should we do?"

"An interesting question, Lily. Do you feel as though there is anyone else you would trust with your location?"

Lily hesitated. "I'll think about it. Perhaps we will be all right for this evening." She paused again. "I think it will be OK, Headmaster."

"Very well. I suggest you discuss this situation with Severus before we share your location with anyone else."

With the conversation over, Lily sat back down on her overstuffed chair. Without her husband home, she felt as though a part of her had gone missing. And with Harry asleep, the house was quiet. It felt as empty as her arms.

The empty evening, however, gave Lily a chance to recall their first night together:

" _There's no going back, Lily."_

 _She remembered the warning in his words and the almost…_ threat _behind them as well. She would be allowing him to claim her if she remained there. He would not permit some isolated reprisal for another's infidelity. Snape would demand her entire future as a price for this single night._

" _I know."_

 _The next kiss had been much more tender than his first; an agreement had been made. She would stay._

 _Silently, Snape had taken her by the hand, led her up the stairs, and sat her down on his bed. When he had left her to cross and close the bedroom door, the sharp sense of loss had nearly ruined her._

 _Then he had spoken the words Lily now knew had always been true: "You are mine. You have always been mine, and you will be mine…always." His smile had been sudden, warm, and inviting in the near total darkness of the room. She had bonded her heart to him in that instant, whatever the future was for them, there would be no other for her. Ever._

 _But she had known him. Well. Even with the pledge she had declared a moment ago, she had understood a vague disquiet would still breach his thoughts. He had never been sure of her. To quell his nerves, Lily had reached out her hand to him and smiled brightly. And that had changed everything._

 _Snape had taken her hand in his and drew her up to standing. They had gazed at each other, black eyes meeting green, both knowing the next hour would define their lifetimes. He had kissed her tenderly, embracing the sides of her face with each of his hands, fingers reaching up into her hair, and turning her face gently so his kiss could be more complete. He allowed his left hand to descend and lightly caress her neck and shoulder, and through her nearly closed eyes she saw the edge of his brand, bold on the light skin of his forearm. Then it had been Lily's turn to be terrified._

 _He had seen the flicker of fear in her eyes. "Think of it as a reminder that I would do anything for you," he had whispered softly. He had known what to say to reassure her. Her panic had evaporated, and she had reached up, her hands caressing his face, his hair. "Make love to me, Severus," she had whispered just as softly in reply, and they had yielded themselves to their desire and the comfort of his bed._

Severus's wife closed her eyes on the cushiony armchair in their living room, enjoying the rest of her recollection with a flush to her fair skin and a secret smile.

 **Three Hours Later**

"Lily, I agree with Dumbledore; I'm not sure that would have been the best decision. The fewer people that know our location, the safer you and Harry remain."

"What else can we do? I need another wand here, Severus!" said Lily, hysteria beginning to infect her tone.

Snape, knowing his wife was stressed and tired from the hours alone, replied soothingly, "I understand, Lily. But there are very few times where I will be gone the same time Potter, Black, and Lupin are unavailable. Dumbledore has provided all the guards he can."

Lily took a deep breath and pondered for a moment. "Perhaps Peter Pettigrew could help."

"No one has seen Pettigrew in months. The truth is, Lily, I don't trust Pettigrew. You shouldn't either. He knows nothing of our marriage. That alone would be valuable information to the Dark Lord."

"OK." Lily paused, calming down. "Can we can come up with a plan in case this happens again?"

* * *

Lily made her way down the stairs to the basement of their home to her husband's potion making room. She had always admired Snape's gift for potions during their years at Hogwarts; while she had some innate talent for brewing them, his ability to tweak ingredients was nothing short of remarkable.

Her husband was standing over some partially filled caldrons checking his copious notes. Lily reached up to rub the tension out of his neck. "Whatcha doing, Sev? I'm lonely upstairs."

"We can't have that now, can we?"

He turned to her, his eyes dark; she felt his breath quicken as she whispered in his ear to reply, "Don't let me distract you."

"Your presence has always distracted me." He leaned down and kissed her gently, a promise of urgent desire just detectable through the tenderness. "I must say, your timing is impeccable this evening." He turned back to the table and extinguished the flames under the cauldrons. "I'm ready for a distraction such as you."

And without a word, he took her by the hand and led her back up the stairs.

* * *

June 1981

"James, Sirius, Remus…" Dumbledore motioned for the three to remain after the Order of the Phoenix meeting _concluded._

"Lily is going to need a guard later tonight," Dumbledore announced.

"I'll do it." James spoke up immediately, with an eager look on his face. Lupin and Sirius regarded him oddly. "I can't help it. I love spending time with Harry," James declared, almost defensively. Seeing the smug look on Padfoot's face, he continued, "What? Something you want to say, Sirius?"

"Nah," said Sirius with a coy smile. "Nothing at all."

Dumbledore watched the exchange between his former students curiously, but said nothing.

* * *

July 31, 1981

"Come in, James. Harry's in the sitting room. Why don't you sit with him while I take care of a couple things?"

"Sure." James didn't move, but sheepishly produced a package from behind his back. "Lily, I…I brought Harry a present for his birthday. Is that…okay with you?"

"Eh…yes. Yes, of course it is." Lily glanced down at the package. "Is that….is that a _broomstick_ , James?"

* * *

August 1981

Lily was in the kitchen preparing lunch when she was distracted by sounds from upstairs. _I thought Harry was asleep. What on earth am I hearing?_

As she ascended the stairs, she peeked around the corner into the room at the end of the hall. There, to her utter astonishment, sat Severus Snape, obsidian wand out, on the floor with her baby boy. Harry was squealing in delight as toys all around him were coming alive: stuffed teddy bears and lions ambling slowly across the floor, trains moving around on their tracks, and music—of all things, _music_ —emanating from the mobile above his crib. Her son poked a chubby finger at a rather fuzzy green and yellow giraffe. As the giraffe turned toward him, Harry's green eyes widened at the wonder around him, and he giggled.

And the vicious Death Eater, the formidable, unapproachable, imposing, cold-blooded killer, was beaming down at her infant son as he climbed into his lap.

Lily, still hidden in hall, placed her hand over her mouth to stop her from laughing out loud. She descended the stairs without disturbing them, her heart as light as she had ever remembered it being.

* * *

Lily was standing at the kitchen sink when Snape Apparated home from the Death Eater meeting. He approached her from behind and put his arms around the waist of her slender frame and pulled her close. "Hello, Mrs. Snape," he said darkly.

"Hello…mmmm…" she murmured as he nuzzled her neck.

"I'm hungry," Snape growled softly.

"See anything here that might satisfy you?" teased Lily as her lips twisted into a sly smile, still with her back toward him.

He bit the side of her neck gently. Lily could feel his need of her against the small of her back; she closed her eyes and let her body respond, turning to face him as her warm lips met his. She snaked her finger between his shirt and his pants then tugged on his waistband; Snape groaned and responded with a kiss so urgent she couldn't breathe, as his hand instinctively grabbed a handful of her thick hair at the nape of her neck. He broke off and led her by the hand out of the kitchen towards the sitting room couch. "I'm going to touch you," the deep voice murmured like silk in her ear, his matter-of-fact, commanding tone daring her to argue.

"Please, Severus…" she panted breathlessly between kisses.

* * *

September 1981

Lily stepped into the sitting room, dressed in her usual simple shirt and jeans, and directed a radiant smile towards her husband, who was sitting across the room near the fireplace deeply absorbed in his potions research. "Sev, I have a favor to ask you."

Snape glanced up from his notes, his attention now focused on his wife. "Anythin'."

"Can you recreate the grass and the trees on the roof from the night we were engaged? I'd…I'd like to spend some time up there with you tomorrow night."

"Absolutely, my love. What—"

She crossed the room to kiss him softly on the lips and found she could not help smiling shyly. "You'll have to wait until tomorrow for your answer."

The next evening, Snape prepared everything as Lily had asked. The couple curled up next to each other on the soft blanket, content just to hold each other in the warm firelight. Snape intertwined his fingers with hers. "This was a good idea, my love," he murmured softly, brushing her hair tenderly away from her face.

"Mmmm—yes it was."

"Wine?" Snape offered, reaching for the deep brown bottle.

"Not tonight, Sev," Snape looked at her curiously. "There's something I need to tell you." Lily sat up and took the hand that had let go of hers seconds before. "Sev, I'm…we're going to have a baby."

Snape closed his eyes and leaned his head into her chest, his dark hair falling forward, and started to weep softly; his wife wrapped her arms around him and smiled knowingly, as all seemed perfect—if for just a brief moment in time.


	20. Chapter 20 A Fortuitous Evening

**Chapter Twenty "A Fortuitous Evening"**

Saturday, October 31, 1981 8 a.m.

Upon hearing Lupin's footfall on their front porch, Snape bent to kiss his wife. "It's very likely that I have to be gone at least until tomorrow morning. I love you, Lily. I'll be back as soon as I am able."

"I'll miss you. And I love you, Sev. Always."

Snape turned and spun into black smoke on the spot, leaving everything behind that made him whole.

* * *

Six hours earlier, Saturday, October 31, 1981 2 a.m.

Precious few things in Peter Pettigrew's life could ever have been called fortuitous: first, Pettigrew's inexplicable adoption into the Marauders' inner circle; next, that his Animagus took the form of an easily concealed animal; and lastly, now, his presence at this ghastly hour on a street corner in view of the exit of a rather lively and trendy pub.

Pettigrew truly had no reason to be walking down this nearly-deserted street on this particular early morning. But here he was, across the street when a door to the noisy pub opened and, of all things, out stumbled a certain wizard and one of his best mates. Fate and opportunity, it seemed, had intertwined once again, presenting themselves like a gift to the balding, pudgy wizard.

Pettigrew stared in silent shock at his oblivious former schoolmates. Potter and Black were too drunk notice him or to Apparate; they careened towards a waiting cab, and Pettigrew, in a moment of inspiration, assumed his rat form and scuttled inside the taxi at their feet.

"Bumble-bore would not approve of our evening, Padfoot." James said thickly in the back seat of the car they hired. Under the seat, Wormtail sniggered at the bastardization of Dumbledore's name. "Sod him," replied Sirius just as thickly, "I got her number."

Pettigrew exited the cab with the two at James' flat. "You can sleep on the couch," slurred James in the approximate direction of Sirius, who grunted as they made their way to the door. Pettigrew scampered across the driveway just as Sirius screeched, "What in the bloody hell was that?"

"Dunno, Padfoot," James replied, concentrating on his navigation to the front door.

Pettigrew nestled himself under a bush in view of the flat, congratulating himself on his luck at discovering the one thing his master desired most: the location of the Potters. It had been so frightfully… _easy_. After spending a cold night in the front yard, Pettigrew stretched in the morning sun, assumed human form, and made his way up to Potter's door to knock sharply.

It took several moments for James to appear. "Wormtail! What in the bloody hell are you doing here? How are ya, mate?" James looked pleased to see his old friend, if not a little worse for wear.

"Prongs! Good to see you!"

"How on earth'd you find me, Wormtail?" James opened the door wide for his friend to enter.

"Oh, Dumbledore told me where you were," replied Peter evenly.

"Did he now? Brilliant." James looked at Peter rather sharply. "Where ya been, anyway?"

"Here and there. You know. Traveling and whatnot," Peter replied evasively.

"Mad times to be traveling, Wormtail, with the war and all that," said James seriously.

"I suppose," replied Peter offhandedly. "Hey, I heard you had a baby, Prongs. Congrats."

"Thanks," mumbled James, collapsing into a chair and turning to stare out the window. The sound of a shower starting upstairs interrupted James's thoughts just as Peter began to speak.

"So where's the baby, and where's Lily?" Pettigrew looked around; his question had come out eagerly, but James seemed not to notice through the haze of his headache.

"We're…eh…no longer together," James winced as he gingerly touched his forehead, slumping further back down into his chair.

"Well. I…eh…I didn't know."

"It's OK, Wormtail, no worries, mate."

Pettigrew looked crestfallen. "Well, I was hoping to see them."

A slightly uncomfortable silence hung between them; James struggled to his feet, entered the kitchen to brew himself some coffee and check the time.

James seemed to come to a decision and called to Peter, who was still in the sitting room. "Actually, I'm on my way to see them this morning. If you'd like to see Lily, why don't you come with me then, Wormtail?"

"If you don't think Lily will mind," said Peter, a hungry tone entering his voice.

"Nah. She'd love to see you, _Wormy_ ," James replied smiling, purposely teasing Peter with Lily's nickname for him.

* * *

Godric's Hollow was quiet on that late Saturday morning, as James rang the doorbell at the Snape's home. Lily answered the door, saying, "James, really, you don't have to ring the bell. Just knock and come in. You know we're expecting you. If I'd just put Harry down for a—" She stopped speaking mid-sentence, suddenly noticing Peter standing slightly behind James. "Wormy! Is that you?"

"Hey, Lily."

"What are you doing—" Lily froze, then blinked and forced a smile. "Forgive me, Peter, I'm just surprised to see you. It's been so long."

Wormtail smiled. "It's OK, Lily. It has been a while."

"Come on in. Moony's in the sitting room."

Lily shot James a murderous look as Peter walked by her and into the kitchen. James just shrugged his shoulders. Lily leaned in and whispered, "James, I don't think you should have brought him here. Severus didn't want Peter to know where we live. In the future, make sure you ask me if it's OK before sharing our address."

"Lily, I'm sorry. I didn't think it included Wormtail," James whispered back.

"Well, it's too late now."

* * *

Saturday, October 31, 1981 1 p.m.

James barely heard Lily answering the door over the laughter erupting from his son as he rode his toy broomstick around the sitting room once again. Sirius ambled in.

"James," said Sirius, a solemn look on his face, "got a minute before you go?"

Seeing the look on his friend's face, he picked himself up off the floor and called to Lily. "Hey, Lily, I need to catch up with Sirius for a minute before I leave. Can you take over with Harry?"

James and Sirius retreated to the Snape's front porch. "You look like hell," James commented to his mate as he pulled the door shut behind him.

"Feel it too, buddy," Sirius grimaced.

"What's this about?"

"Last night, when we were walking to your front door, I thought I saw something in the driveway," Sirius continued. "I wasn't sure what I'd seen until I thought about it this morning. It was a rat." Sirius looked at James intently. "It was Wormtail, I'm sure of it."

"Wormtail? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Padfoot, he stopped by the flat when you were in the shower this morning. I brought him with me _here_ when I came. Said he wanted to see Lily and Harry. He left a few hours ago. I was just about to tell you."

"You brought him here? Why would you do that?"

James removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, still bloodshot from the last night's endeavors. "What are the chances? It couldn't have been him."

Sirius repeated sharply, "Why did you bring him here, James?"

"Because I wanted him to meet Harry. I…I never get to introduce my son to anyone." James sighed. "I know that's pathetic. I don't expect you to understand."

Sirius sighed in response. "So Wormtail shows up out of the blue at your front door. How did he say that he found your new flat? Not many people know where to find you now."

"He told me that Dumbledore gave him my address."

"Well, if it was Wormtail in the driveway, that means he followed us last night and he's lying about Dumbledore giving him the address," Sirius reasoned.

"That's damn peculiar. You don't think he came here looking for Harry do you? He didn't know Lily and I divorced, but somehow he already knew Harry'd been born."

"James, look, we don't know where Peter's been for months. How in the hell would he have heard that you'd had a baby? Lily doesn't even leave the house with him. _You didn't even know Lily had Harry, and, besides, no one knows he's yours._ I'm not trying to sound paranoid, but he could have been sent to find Harry by You-Know-Who." Sirius began to pace around the porch.

"Nah. I don't believe that. Peter's always been a good friend. He wouldn't betray us."

"Just curious, did you tell him about Lily and _Snivellus_?" asked Sirius, leaning in and lowering his voice.

"That's her story to tell, Padfoot, not mine," said James soberly. "But I don't think she mentioned it. She was a bit put off that I brought Wormtail here without asking her first. She didn't say much to him."

Sirius stopped pacing and met James in the eye. "Look, think about it. Things aren't adding up. Something doesn't feel right. We need to tell Snape as soon as we can."

"Okay. Listen, I'll be back to relieve you at nine. Let me think about it and we can talk about it when I get back."

* * *

"My lord," Pettigrew whimpered, as he bowed deeply before Voldemort.

"What news have you for me, Wormtail?" hissed The Dark Lord softly.

"My lord, I have secured the location of the Potter's son."

"Excellent, my loyal servant. Excellent." Voldemort rose and paced energetically around the room in a wide arch around Pettigrew.

"My lord, they are using Fidelius—as you suspected. James Potter himself is the Secret Keeper and he has shown me where the baby lives."

"Then James Potter must die," Voldemort said softly, a statement of fact.

"Yes, my lord."

"Once he is dead, you will disclose the location to me, and I will kill the son."

"Yes, my lord," Pettigrew inclined his head and smiled to himself.


	21. Chapter 21 What Dumbledore Knew

**Chapter Twenty-One "What Dumbledore Knew"**

Saturday, October 31, 1981 8:58 p.m.

"James," Lily opened the door to admit her ex-husband for the night's guard duty, still irritated about James bringing Peter to Godric's Hollow earlier in the day. "Sirius left a minute ago. Wanted me to tell you he went to meet Julie from last night and that he'd stop by to catch up with you later." Lily cocked an eyebrow. "You may stay here in the sitting room. Harry's asleep. I'll be upstairs. You can read if you like." Lily turned away before James could reply, heading up the stairs.

"OK. Eh…thanks." James said to her retreating form.

* * *

At the Malfoy mansion, the Death Eater meeting dragged on. Snape tried to look alert and interested in proceedings. _Will this ever be over?_

"I have other news. Mere hours ago, with the assistance of our associate…" Voldemort directed his wand at a door at the far end of the room, the door opened, and a short, pudgy, rat-faced man entered. Voldemort indicated the new arrival should sit. Snape nearly gaped in shock. _What the fuck is Pettigrew doing here?_ "…I have ascertained the exact location of the children mentioned in the prophecy brought to our attention by Severus." _FUCK. FUCK!_ Voldemort inclined his head towards Snape, who kept his face impassive. Next to him, Bellatrix gigged excitedly and bounced in her chair.

Snape steeled his face to remain emotionless as blind panic clutched his heart and a million thoughts exploded simultaneously in his mind. _The Dark Lord knows where we live, thanks to Pettigrew. How in the hell did Pettigrew find out where we live? Who told him? There's no way Potter would have betrayed his own son, so it must have been Lupin or Black…it had to have been Black. I never trusted that bastard. How could Black have betrayed us? And Pettigrew turned Dark. I_ knew _we couldn't trust him._

 _OK…OK...as long as the meeting drags on, nothing can happen to Lily and Harry…everyone is still here,_ he assured himself, looking around discreetly. _And besides, Potter is there guarding them tonight. He would never let anything happen to Harry._

 _But does Pettigrew also know I'm Lily's husband? Shit, don't let the Dark Lord kill me before I can warn Lily…OK, the Dark Lord has said nothing so far, so it doesn't appear he knows Lily is my wife… maybe Pettigrew wants to save my traitor status for another day. Maybe Pettigrew wants to blackmail me…shit…SHIT...the gig is up._

Bellatrix continued to giggle delightedly and leaned in to whisper closely in Snape's ear. Her warm, putrid breath tickled his cheek as her lips grazed his ear. "That helpless babe will never know what hit him," she bragged to Snape, who sneered at back at her, but not for the reasons Bellatrix believed.

The second they were dismissed, Snape Apparated to Spinner's End, thankful he'd not disconnected his father's muggle phone. _I'll call and tell her to Apparate here…there's time…Potter is there…he'll keep them safe…if The Dark Lord discovers me there, he will be so furious about my disloyalty, he'll torture Lily and Harry and they'll end up like the Longbottoms…or he will hunt us down and we will never be safe, anywhere, ever…it only took him two days to find and kill Regulus…and surely The Dark Lord isn't going there directly after tonight's meeting… if he planned to act that fast, he wouldn't have waited until after the meeting, he would have done so the second he found out where we live…we can just move tonight…_

As the phone rang, he let the panic he'd suppressed bubble to the surface _. Stay put,_ he told himself _…there's time…stay put…I will be no use to Lily after this night if The Dark Lord finds out I'm a spy for Dumbledore…I'll never be privy to The Dark Lord's plans again…never know before he makes a move…never be able to stay one step ahead…answer, damn it, answer the phone, Lily!_

* * *

The phone rang abruptly rupturing the silence in the Snape's cozy house in Godric's Hollow. Lily cursed silently. _This better be good, I just got Harry to sleep and if the phone woke him up..._ Lily picked it up on the second ring. Snape didn't wait for the hello. "LILY! GET OUT! GET HARRY AND GET OUT! NOW!" he screamed into the phone without preamble. "OK, Sev. I'll get Har—" CRASH! "OH MY GOD, SEV!" The line went dead. _"LILY!"_ he screamed into the empty line.

CRASH. The walnut front door exploded in a shower of wood fragments; Lily screamed in terror, dropped the useless phone and sprinted down the hall to her son's room. She heard her ex-husband's voice falter, saying, "Wormtail…?" before overhearing the killing curse that ended his life.

Then, silence.

 _Where did Wormtail go?_ she thought desperately as she tried to barricade herself in Harry's room. _My wand, it's downstairs, damn it! DAMN IT!_

Outside in the chilly street, Pettigrew bowed to his master and whispered the address of the Snape's home. Voldemort laughed as the house appeared before them both. He continued to laugh as he ascended the stairs to the front porch, and strode through the hole in the front door, not even pausing to gloat over James' body.

* * *

Snape stood dumbfounded for a split second at the dead phone line… _she'll be here any second…stay put, she'll be here any second_ , he told himself… _she'll Apparate any second…maybe she went somewhere else…ohmygod where is she? Fuck it! HOME!_ and Snape Apparated into his kitchen at Godric's Hollow.

Snape took in the shattered front door, the air heavy with dust, and the lifeless form of James Potter, his sightless eyes staring in surprise behind his glasses; he could hear his wife's voice from up in Harry's room, pleading to Voldemort for mercy, and Voldemort's soft footfall as he approached her. Not caring if Voldemort heard him, he screamed, "LILY!" and turned and ran up the stairs two at a time, screaming, " _ **NO!**_ " at exactly the same moment Voldemort bellowed, _"AVADA KEDAVRA!"_

Then a flash of green light took everything away.

Snape ascended the final few stairs in horror as if he was incapable of comprehending what he saw. The panic that gripped his chest like a vice during the meeting now threatened to cause him to pass out. He rounded the corner at the door to Harry's room to find the crumpled body of his wife on the floor, staring blankly and Harry, alive but silent in apparent shock, still in his crib, bleeding from a ragged cut on his forehead.

Snape had no idea where the Dark Lord had gone, but not caring if there were anyone to see him, he fell to the floor and took her still-warm body in his arms, closed his eyes, and began to rock her back and forth, as if he were comforting the crying toddler who was watching the scene from his nearby crib. He was, as of yet, unable to make a sound, even one of utter despair.

Lily was as beautiful in death as she had been in life.

Snape barely registered a CRACK and, a moment later, a visibly shaken Dumbledore appeared at the door to Harry's bedroom.

"Severus….I'm so sorry."

A couple moments passed without anyone moving, except for the motion of Snape rocking Lily's lifeless form. Snape choked out, "Harry…?" no louder than a whisper, oblivious to Harry's cries.

"Severus. _Severus!_ You cannot take care of him," said Dumbledore gently.

"I can. I must. He'sLily'sson _._ " Snape's choice of words was all the confirmation Dumbledore needed.

"Severus. If what I suspect has indeed happened, Harry must live with a blood relative for protection."

Snape looked up through his tears and blinding pain and thought numbly, _Dumbledore knows_.

"I suspected." Dumbledore answered the question Snape had not posed, and then paused. "I'm so sorry, Severus. I'll give you some time." Dumbledore turned and strode out of the room into the debris strewn hall, leaving Severus alone with the nearly unbearable, crushing weight of his loss.

Reaching into the pocket of his robes, Dumbledore extracted a clear glass bead, about the size of a marble; as he touched it, it turned blue. The headmaster continued down the hall into the master bedroom and noticed a small framed photograph of a smiling Snape, Lily, and Harry; he brought it into Harry's room. He took his wand out and commanded, "Portus"; the photo shuddered and then steadied itself. "Severus, take this Portkey to Spinner's End. Take Lily home. I'll take care of Harry and be along momentarily."

With one last anguished glance at his stepson, Snape reached up and touched the photo, and disappeared to Spinner's End with his wife's body. All that could be heard as the Portkey jerked him away was the echo of a heart wrenching wail of grief.

* * *

In the distance, Dumbledore could hear the whistle of Muggle sirens getting louder, pulling him out of his reverie, inspiring him to finally reach down and pick up the crying toddler. He realized Hagrid would not arrive before the Muggle firemen, so he carried Harry down the stairs and out the front door, covering them both with an Invisibility spell.

The sound of a motorbike could just be heard above the din of sirens. Harry's weak cries, however, could not.

Hagrid arrived, parking the motorcycle slightly down the street. Sleepy neighbors began to emerge from nearby homes, too overwhelmed by the destruction of the Snape's home to take much notice of the half giant standing on the side of the street, staring blankly at the wreckage. Scene unfolding before them was of indescribable mayhem as Muggle firemen and police swarmed the house, looking for survivors of the blast.

Invisible, Dumbledore saddled alongside the enormous man and said, "Hagrid, I'm standing beside you."

Hagrid looked down and opened an enormous hand to reveal a glowing, blue glass bead in his palm. "Wha's happen'd, Professor?"

"Voldemort was here. Lily and James Potter are dead. Their son, however, is alive."

Hagrid began to cry.

"Hagrid, let's walk back to the motorcycle. I'm going to hand you the baby. His name is Harry. I want you to bring Harry to my office, and await me there. We'll be taking him to his aunt and uncle's home before dawn tomorrow."

A few moments later, the distinctive sound of a person Apparating was masked by the sound of the sirens, and Sirius Black appeared and stared in shock at the house he had left just hours before.

* * *

"Headmaster, you asked to see me?" Remus Lupin, a little worse for wear, stood at the door to the headmaster's office in a rumpled brown tweed coat, dark circles under his eyes. "They've just arrested Sirius."

"Yes, Remus. Please sit down."

Lupin shot a curious glance at Poppy Pomfrey, who was already sitting stiffly in a wooden chair. "What's this all about?"


	22. Chapter 22 To Openly Grieve

**Chapter Twenty-Two "To Openly Grieve"**

June 1982

In the last house at Spinner's End, Severus Snape sat on a tattered sofa staring at nothing. His lanky, tall frame, now overly thin, bore a scraggly beard and severely matted hair. This man, uninterested in food, sleep, or anything much at all, wanted nothing to do with being alive.

Every few months, the headmaster would appear without invite at Spinner's End to check on his former student. Dumbledore had never let go of the hope that, on one of his infrequent visits, Snape would seem to be recovering from his loss. Dumbledore thought grimly, _well, perhaps my latest offer will inspire a change in his outlook._ He knocked on the front door.

"Dumbledore…" Snape's disheveled appearance and distracted air did nothing to inspire confidence that Snape was going to ever leave Spinner's End again.

"Severus."

"What…what can I do for you?" Snape said blankly.

"May I come in?" asked Dumbledore with a polite smile.

Snape held open the door, then retreated into the dusty, threadbare sitting room, unaware if Dumbledore was following and decidedly indifferent if he was or not.

Still standing, Dumbledore began, "Severus, I have come to offer you a position at Hogwarts as Potions Master starting in the fall." Snape laughed bitterly and hollowly as if he had been privy to a hysterically amusing joke. Dumbledore continued as if there had been no interruption. "Voldemort will ultimately return, and we need to position you within Hogwarts—"

The mad laughter stopped abruptly. "Out, Dumbledore, I'm out. I am not spying for you now, nor am I spying for you ever again," Snape responded clearly and pointedly, in sharp contrast to his high pitched, irrational laughter seconds prior.

"Severus—"

"I won't do it again. It did not keep Lily safe. It—I never could," Snape said matter-of-factly, as if he had come to terms with this tiny portion of his past, at least.

"Surely you do not want Lily to have died in vain?" Dumbledore countered softly. Snape turned away to stare out the window. He let the question hang in the air when Snape didn't reply. "Severus. _Severus!_ Lily wouldn't want you to abandon all hope, to give up completely."

"How would you know what my wife would have wanted?" Snape snarled, furious that Dumbledore dared to use Lily's death in an attempt to sway him.

"Perhaps I didn't know her like you did, Severus, but I do know that Lily wouldn't want you to act like you are already dead."

"Maybe I am already dead! Maybe I want to die! My wife is dead, Dumbledore! Dead!" he screamed at the elder wizard. Then Snape lowered his voice and said in a near whisper, "Lily…we…were expecting a baby of our own…our child would have been born this month…" His voice trailed off, wrought with despair, as Dumbledore suppressed a surprised look with difficulty. Snape looked up and met Dumbledore's bright blue eyes. "I could have raised the boy."

"No. That would have put him in more danger, Severus. He must live with the Dursleys. You know this," the headmaster said firmly.

"You ask this of me, after you placed that…that—" Snape sputtered, furious, " _abomination_ in front of our home? Our _home_? 'A monument to the _Potters_ and as a reminder of the violence that tore apart _their_ _family_ ,'" Snape sneered, quoting the plaque, "to perpetrate the lie that _my wife_ —MY WIFE—and Potter" –Snape spat Potter's name— "were still _married_ when Voldemort murdered them? That it was _their_ home, their family that was destroyed? You've made a mockery of her death, and a mockery of my life, Dumbledore! You even manufactured a gravestone saying they were buried together! Is there nothing you won't do? Whom did you Obliviate? Lupin? Pomfrey? Bagshot? A select few Ministry of Magic officials? How many others? You don't care who you hurt or how many lies you tell as long as you get what you want! You used me, Dumbledore! I devoted my life to your cause and you couldn't even grant me the decency to openly grieve for the woman I have always loved!"

Although his eyes were sad, the Headmaster was silent in the wake of Snape's outburst.

"Leave me, Dumbledore," Snape said dismissively, the conversation over, and the headmaster turned and left without another word.

* * *

In the days after Dumbledore's visit, Snape was able to consider the words of the Headmaster… _Lily wouldn't want you to abandon all hope, to give up completely…_ Yes, he was forced to admit, there was truth in old man's words. _But what would Lily want me to do after she was gone?_

 _She would have wanted me to raise Harry._

 _But Harry is safer with the Dursleys, and Lily would have wanted him to be safe. She gave her life to keep him safe. She would say that keeping him safe is more important than me raising him. So, no, actually, she wouldn't want me to raise him after what's happened._

He got up and paced around the room, his heart broken in a million pieces.

 _She would want me to move on. In fact, she would insist on it._

 _Lily wouldn't want me to sit here like there was nothing to live for, nothing more to do. If Dumbledore thinks there is a possibility the Dark Lord will return, she would want me to continue to fight._

But there was anger just beneath the incomprehensible loss.

No one knew of his marriage to Lily—or cared, he guessed—and nothing Snape could do or say would change that now. Dumbledore's immediate actions after Lily's death prevented that simple fact from ever being known. _That part is something I have to let go. It doesn't matter if anyone knows of our marriage, our love for one another. Lily knew I loved her, and that is enough. I suppose if, in some far future, I could tell Harry about his mother, and how much I loved her, I will. But he's the only person that matters in this now. Even if I can't—or shouldn't—raise him, if I can help protect him, I will._

As Snape rummaged through his desk to find a quill and parchment to owl Dumbledore, his hand brushed up against a box he had salvaged from his destroyed home; he turned his head away, knowing he was not yet strong enough to view what lay inside.

* * *

"I want Voldemort dead," The first words Snape uttered to Dumbledore in a low, murderous tone gave the headmaster pause, not because of the words themselves, but the malice so obviously behind them. The formidable wizard standing in front of his desk made the Headmaster feel as though his office was far too small for the both of them. Dumbledore felt as though he could hardly breathe.

"Severus, there will be conditions. Agreements must be made."

"Of course," Snape replied, unemotionally.

"No one must know of your marriage to Lily, Severus. No one must suspect."

"You have already seen to that, Dumbledore."

"Severus, you must never act as though you have any affection for the boy whatsoever. It would jeopardize your position and everything we have worked so hard for. In fact, I must insist that you treat the boy with nothing but distain."

"Noted," agreed Snape stiffly.

"Should Voldemort ever discover the connection he has with Harry and use it, he will be able to enter Harry's mind, Harry's thoughts. You must never, ever, treat the boy in any positive or favorable way or Voldemort will know. He must never suspect you have an attachment to Harry. It would endanger both you and him."

"Obviously," Snape responded sharply. "Dumbledore, you have made yourself abundantly clear. You need not repeat yourself again. May I remind you that I have been able to deceive one of the most powerful wizards that ever lived for years with my supposed allegiance? I am more than up to the task with a child…with my…stepson."

Dumbledore paused, his voice suddenly and strangely compassionate. "How will you do this, Severus?"

Snape responded quietly. "I will remember the promise I made to her, the promise I would keep them safe. I may have failed her, but I will not fail him."

And so the new Potions Master spent the next decade erecting walls, as thick and impenetrable as those surrounding the castle where he was now employed, around his heart in preparation for the arrival of Lily's son.


	23. Chapter 23 The Pensieve

**Chapter Twenty-Three "The Pensieve"**

Battle of Hogwarts May 2, 1998

An exhausted and bloody Harry Potter stumbled into the Headmaster's Office wondering when the battle would truly be over. _Am I destined to fight Voldemort forever? Will it ever end?_ So many dead already…now Snape. _Why,_ his mind screamed, _why...?_ Although Harry was numb, he still wanted answers…and he knew that he held some of those answers in the form of Snape's tears. He took a deep breath, hesitated for just a second, then tipped the phial into the Pensieve, and tumbled in after them.

The memories came fast:

 _Lily and Snape in a playground as young children, laughing…the Sorting Hat bellowing "SYTHERIN!"…Lily, standing in a Hogwart's hallway, her lips mere inches from Snape's, looking up at him with adoration in her green eyes…Snape, a broken heart plainly on his face, watching James and Lily cross the courtyard hand in hand…Dumbledore's proposal to spy for the Order…an agonizing scream, as the Mark was branded on Snape's left forearm…Snape alone and exceedingly drunk, holding the announcement of the Lily's engagement to James, a cluster of empty bottles surrounding him…Snape's first sight of Lily on the night she summoned him to her home…Lily sobbing into Snape's chest because of James…the look of shock on Lily's face when Snape confessed he was a spy… Lily admitting that she had loved him, always…the night Snape proposed…"I, Lily Evans, bond myself to thee, Severus Tobias Snape…"…Snape holding Harry for the first time…Snape pleading with Lily to tell James that Harry was his son…Lily softly telling Snape she was pregnant with their own child…Lily, dead in Snape's arms…Dumbledore convincing Snape to stay on as a spy but insisting Snape treat Harry with distain…Snape, sitting at his desk alone in his dungeon office, clutching Lily's photograph, silently sobbing uncontrollably…_

There were thousands more. It was as if Snape had saved each and every memory he held of her, from the most painful, to the most intimate, to the most mundane.

" _What's this, my love?" Snape put his arms around Lily and nuzzled her neck affectionately, indicating a box in front of them as they sat on the floor. "Secret stuff you are keeping from your husband?" teased Snape with a gleam in his dark eyes._

 _Lily giggled. "I would never try keep secrets from you. I'm no good at Occlumency," she said in a mock offended tone, kissed him, then continued lightly, "That's where I keep all our stuff, Sev."_

" _Our stuff?"_

" _Yeah, everything." Snape looked at her uncomprehendingly. "Everything from you, silly. Everything you've ever given me. I've kept everything from you since we were kids." Lily opened the box. "See, here's the note you passed me at breakfast the first morning at Hogwarts after we were sorted into different houses. And here's the note you left for me last week went you went to a Death Eater meeting. Here's the box from my ring…" His kiss cut off her explanation. Harry felt like an intruder watching the intimate way they interacted, as if they enjoyed a connection no stranger should be privy to._

The scene morphed into one with the couple in bed. Harry blanched and scrambled out of the Pensieve, struggling not to pass out. There was more, much more, Harry knew, but he couldn't bare it just yet.

Harry stilled himself for a moment to collect his breath and then began to frantically rifle Snape's office for the box he had seen in Snape's memories. At last, after ten minutes of fruitless searching, Harry pulled open the final drawer in a deep cherry cabinet and there, hidden at the bottom in the far back of the drawer, sat the plain, unassuming box. Harry hefted it to the headmaster's desk and opened it. Inside were yellowed scraps of parchment in Snape's perfect handwriting, a slightly faded black velvet ring box, a platinum man's wedding ring inscribed with the words, _Always, Lily_ , and a framed photo of Snape and Lily, holding a tiny baby boy with his mother's eyes, who had not yet received his lightening shaped scar.

Harry unrolled one of the strips of parchment to reveal the familiar hand of Severus Snape.

 _My dearest Lily,_

 _I was summoned early this morning. I kissed you and you did not stir, so I let you sleep. I know you need the rest as the baby is coming soon. Try not to worry for me, as I know you always do. I will be home as soon as I am able, my beautiful wife._

 _I love you._

 _Always,_

 _Sev_

Harry let the parchment roll up of its own accord, slumped onto the floor, and closed his eyes.


	24. Chapter 24 Epilogue: It's Tradition

**Chapter Twenty-Four "Epilogue: It's Tradition"**

2006

"Hermione Weasley," Harry's old friend, now an attorney, answered the muggle phone she had insisted on installing in their house as if it were a business line. Even after all these years, Ron had never quite become comfortable operating a phone, but Hermione found it had its uses.

"Hey Hermione, it's Harry."

"Harry! How are you? When are you and Ginny coming over for dinner?"

"You should probably ask Ginny about that one," Harry replied. "Look, Hermione, I need a favor. And, eh…I need you to keep it between us for now, OK?"

"Sure, Harry. What do you need?"

"Can you access the records of marriages and divorces at the Ministry without too much fuss? I think it would be suspicious if an Auror started digging around in those records."

"They're all called decrees. And yes, it shouldn't be a problem."

"Brilliant. I was wondering if you could look up my parents, as well as…Snape."

"Snape?" Hermione repeated, trying and failing to keep the surprise out of her voice.

"Yeah. Snape." Pause. "Would you do that for me, Hermione?"

"Harry, what's this all about?"

"It's likely you'll see it yourself if it was recorded. Just let me know what you find."

"Harry, it's all automatically recorded magically. So if a marriage or divorce happened, the decree will be there."

* * *

The phone rang at the Potter's home. "Hello?"

"Harry, I found what you were looking for," said Hermione without preamble in an odd voice.

"Can I meet you so we can talk about it?"

"Sure. How about lunch tomorrow? Come to my office around 11:30, OK?"

"See you then."

* * *

Hermione handed Harry a copy of Lily and James' marriage decree, divorce decree, Lily and Snape's marriage decree, as well as Snape's death decree, listing him as a widower.

"Harry, I don't know what to say. I assume if you asked me to find it, you already knew. Or at least you guessed."

"Yeah, I knew."

"But these dates show that your mom and dad were divorced the end of October of 1979, more than eight months before you were born, and you were born while your mom and Snape were…married," Hermione said evenly, with just a hint of hesitation at the word _married_. "You're not suggesting that—"

"No, James Potter is my father all right," then Harry relayed the memories he experienced in the Pensieve in Snape's office the night of the Battle of Hogwarts.

Hermione was silent for a moment, digesting what Harry had shared. Finally, she asked, "Harry, why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I wasn't ready," Harry said simply.

"Are you now?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I am."

* * *

As Harry held his newborn son in his arms, he looked over to his wife, and smiled.

Ginny asked quietly, "Are you sure?"

Harry looked down into the eyes of his new son, into eyes so very like his own, so very like his mother's. "I am. It's tradition. I would like his middle name to be Severus. Albus _Severus_ Potter."


End file.
